Farm Report

Farm Report: 3.16.17

- Mel

Rain and snowy sleetish shit today… and of course, WIND. There’s never not any wind here in Iowa. Chicago, the declared Windy City, can bite me.

so cornfused

Based on the number of birds and deer grazing in the fields (and my front yard) over the last week, I would have assumed that the seeds have been planted for the upcoming growing season. That may be true for my grass, but corn is not seeded until early April (the more you know! *ding*). I learn something new every day living in this great Corn King state.

cows in ponds

I hurt my ankle somehow yesterday, and I SWEAR that I am not on any drugs (unless you count an entire box of Honey Nut Cheerios as medication), BUT I am positively entertained by images of cows in ponds. They stand in leg-deep water and just… chill. It’s hilarious!

SEE?!

midwest shenanigans

Did you pick a Midwest team in your Final Four? MIDWEST IS STACKED. I don’t know, that’s something that ESPN says. I picked Cincinnati to win. If we go by the Ohioan standard, they technically claim themselves to be Midwest (though NCAA does not), so however you need to reconcile that is fine by me. But also know that I have never won a bracket challenge when I didn’t pick Kansas.

Farm Report: 3.2.17

- Mel

Is the month we dub “in like a lion and out like a lamb”? Is there an Iowan farm equivalent? In like manure and out like a corn stalk? Never mind. I can’t make this one funny.

show me your sap

The next full moon on March 31 is called the Sap Moon around these parts, so sayeth The Farmer’s Almanac. But since the southern hemisphere is celebrating the opposite of whatever shit season this is, this month’s second full moon down yonder is the Corn Moon. You’ll have to wait until September harvest to get your Full Corn Moon in Iowa.

poopcorn

Guys, guys… FARMINARS. This is the best Iowan word since the Kybo. Related: “kybo” in Lithuanian means “hanging,” but kybo in Iowan means: KEEP YOUR BOWELS OPEN. OMG.

Also: low-hanging poop. *snicker*

poopcorn

midwest shenanigans

It’s Fish Fry season, aka Lent. Here’s your Fish Fry Guide for Des Moines. I still have yet to find a gluten-free fish fry. Guess Catholic Guilt doesn’t apply to those of us with dietary restrictions, aka fine GIMME ALL THE BACON.

Farm Report: 2.23.17

- Mel

OH HAI, IT’S STILL SNOWING. Not since my last post from seven months ago, but some days it feels like that. Snow is part of my identity – and something that I missed when living in the mid-Atlantic region where it rarely snowed in six years, aka: Pittsburgh, affectionately called “the east coast” by my fellow Iowans. I am Great Lakes Snow Belt raised, and find great joy in playing in the snow. I have a saucer and I know how to use it. Also, yes: I am 40 years old.

corn addict

Soooo, if people from the Corn Belt are “cornfed,” what does that make people from the Rust Belt?

Is this where I make a Clostridium tetani joke?

hard soft corn

Ahem. Non-GMO.

strap in, huddled masses

Snow Belt, Corn Belt, Rust Belt, Bible Belt, Sun Belt… are there other regional “belt” monikers out there? Oooh, is there a Cheese Belt?

midwest shenanigans

I grew up in Ohio, which was once dubbed “The Heart of it All” and it took me until age 40.83 to realize that is because Ohio looks like a heart. Sadly, not a delicious chocolate-covered peanut butter buckeye treat… shaped heart.

Farm Report: 6.23.17

- Mel

Can we talk about the corn? Or is there some superstitious shit where you can’t chatter about it until July? Who made that up, by the way — the whole “knee high by the 4th of July” stuff? Was it a 7-foot farmer? Because corn ’round here is already knee high on me.

i see crop circles

pursuit of corn midwest blog
Not the 4th!

Ok, I looked it up. Your corn is bad if it’s only knee high in July, bee tee dubs.

Dear Lord, “high as an elephant’s eye” is a thing, too? Is Oklahoma! (the musical) about corn?

midwest shenanigans

I visibly cringed when the airplane gate attendant pronounced the “s” when giving flight updates to Des Moines. More than once. THE “S” IS SILENT.

PS: Downtown Cleveland now has a Taco Bell. That serves beer. This past weekend, they also had a DJ. I also really, really wanted a Chalupa, but it was only 3pm. ?

Farm Report: 6.16.17

- Mel

Not your average baseball scouting notes! But seriously — why are so many baseball players from Iowa? In this weekly wrap-up, I’ll start with an argument over why Ohio is/isn’t in the Midwest. Spoiler alert, Cleveland: Iowans don’t think it is! I’ve always preferred the Great Lakes regional moniker. But what say you?

gratuitous corn shot

32-foot long ear of corn

summer lovin’, happened so fast

My tomato plants and I are loving this sunshine! And I’m pretty sure the Iowa corn has grown 2 feet in one day. Preparing for a few days of high heat & humidity, and the rain this weekend should help keep everything green and blooming.

PS: Was Sandy dead?

midwest shenanigans

Speaking of Ohio, I’ll be returning home over the weekend to eat some midges.

And afterward, I’ll be having brunch at Urban Farmer.

How fitting.