Reflection and Rumination

Corn on a Stick: What even was 2020

- Mel

I haven’t left the house much and have spent entirely too much time scrolling social media, for all I know cats are trolling the city streets right now. Ha, just kidding. I see all you assholes posting about your traveling and vacations and going to fucking bars in the middle of a pandemic. I’m not here to mince words either: Fuck you and the anti-masker that raised you. Meanwhile, I have visions of vaccinations running through my head, knowing that it will be unlikely I’ll see anywhere outside of Central Iowa until late 2021. (Thanks, Kim!)

Despite the Dumpster Fire that was 2020, I had some moments where the flames were temporarily doused. For one, I was lucky enough to get in a vacation before the news of the pandemic reaching the United States hit. Oh wait, I was actually ON A CRUISE when the headline published that the virus had come. A fucking cruise. Thinking about it now blows my mind. However, it was an amazing trip and we consider ourselves lucky as to the timing of it. While it sucks to have to use the bulk of your PTO so early on in the year, this was perhaps the biggest lesson ever in “use it or lose it” (ya know, if I actually had a job where I was earning PTO, lolz). Before everything shut down, I was also able to travel for roller derby a few times – including going to Lincoln for a training camp with some of my derby idols. I played in a few bouts with my new team and realized (again!) how much I love this sport. Alas, beyond March, derby has been shut down and I only went on a handful of trail skates over summer. I want to go back to practices so bad. 😭

This leads me to another highlight of the year – finally finishing my master’s degree. Which included finishing my thesis research (which, unfortunately, had to be shut down early due to the pandemic). THREE YEARS OF WORK that I was finally able to see to its end. I completed the bulk of my degree requirements (i.e., coursework) over a year ago, but had more difficulty in finding internship sites (even more so during COVID/sport shutdowns). The bright side here was that I could finally do my contact hours virtually and individually which was always my preference and not allowed and ONLY THEN did I crush that requirement. 2020 helped me figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life (at least for the foreseeable future while I figure out if working for myself is actually sustainable). But I learned what I like and don’t like and what and how I do things that are authentically me and not because someone else does them. Those are important lessons even when you’re 43-years-old.

I also trained for another ultra. Yes, my race was canceled. I ran it anyway. Inspired by a friend who finished a VIRTUAL HUNDRED MILER, I felt like training for a 30-miler would not be a waste of time and the best excuse to get me outside several times per week. (It worked!) The other thing that got me outside a lot? Golf. I played a record number of rounds this year. I was also able to participate in the entirety of the women’s 9-hole season. Some weeks, this was the only time I saw another human being outside of my husband. Surprisingly, I didn’t bike as much as I have in past years, I think because of how much I associate it with the social aspect.

But I did read more than prior years! (Look for a post on that later.) Even with a pandemic lull that occurred when I only wanted to stare at games on my phone for hours on end, I still finished 54 books in 2020. My initial goal was for 52 books – a goal that I reached in 2015. Having access to the library for window pick-ups and digital loans was such a benefit to have during the shutdowns. For what it’s worth, in 2021 I’m aiming for 60 books. Because all I see is more free time ahead of me. More free time, more plants, amirite?! I acquired a silly amount of houseplants this year and almost didn’t kill all of them.

So, what’s the lesson in 2020? Stupidly – and I am so, so sorry, Universe! – I set an intention early on in the year to “Be more bored.” BOY OH BOY was I ever bored. And I did not like it one bit. Particularly when I realized that the bulk of my life – work, play, volunteer, school – was centered around sport, and I had literally NOTHING to do. My husband even remarked on the realization of how much I was doing stuff outside the house. Well… I guess I learned that I need some more variety and some more boredom in my life. I learned the importance and value of the outdoors. I learned the importance of being authentic. I learned that I can sustain the life of a plant and that MAYBE I DO HAVE A GREEN THUMB AFTER ALL. I learned that JOMO is the inverse of FOMO. I also learned that I really like my hair shorter, while I wait on bated/masked breath for when I can feel it’s not a high risk to go to the hair salon (it’s been 15 months since I’ve had a haircut and I AM OVER IT and yet I refuse to give myself an at-home fix).

*waves wildly at all the things* Look, this all sucks. I hate being home all the time. I AM WITH YOU on all that. But wear your fucking masks and stay home.

The Decade, Pt. II*

- Mel

I have been blogging within several decades. Blogging is dead blah blah blah…

Before “blogging” blogging, there was a site called CollegeClub (RIP) where I moderated an LGBT interest group – maybe this was more community management than actual blogging but we didn’t have a word for that yet and its online format was the precept for what would shape my identity in writing online. I would eventually build a personal site on Geocities, writing about my life. Then Blogger became a thing and enter Mel-o-Dramatics, which apparently still exists within Blogger’s cyberworld (and is apparently wiped aside from one redirect post?). There was a short-lived Dink Blog that I started with my boyfriend-now-husband after we moved in together. 30-something Therapy, when I was having an age identity crisis… which became Ultra Fun: 30-something Miles during my next identity search. And my legacy: Life, Liberty & Pursuit of Your Boyfriend. The blog that I adored and subsequently blew up (and allowed the URL ownership to lapse) after ten+ years of unabashedly putting myself out there. I turned that online presence into a small web copywriting and blogging business which served me well… until it didn’t.

Recently, I had a group chat within a Patreon community that I’m a part of – moderated by the ever-awesome Nicole Antoinette (you should be listening to her podcast!). She asked an interesting question about where/who we were a decade ago, anticipating the new year/decade. Timehop also likes to remind me of all my prior misgivings from Pre-husband/boyfriend/AB. But that pre-AB era was 2008. In 2009 though, I was blogging and my identity was firmly implanted as a blogger. I was blogging before blogging was cool and now I’m blogging because blogging is no longer cool. I am both an early adopter and a late bloomer while also being a contrarian.

It’s 2019 – and while not as often as I would like… because imposter syndrome – I am still blogging. Look, I cannot peak at age 28. And this site will very likely morph into something different this year. I also might start blogging about my thesis research project on my professional site (which is woefully under-used).

*Part I is lost to the Great Zip Drive Death of 2001

Extra Credit:
You killed the (old) Internet! {via Buzzfeed}
What happened to CollegeClub.com? (via Erich Stauffer}

What is home?

- Mel

The concept of home is something I’ve struggled with since I first left Cleveland in 2004-ish. It was a brief “pack everything I own and drive across the country” relocation that found me returning to Ohio approximately 8 weeks later. Tail between the legs, financially broke, romantically heartbroken, et al., ad nauseam, shit you go through in your 20s when you try to run away from your problems both figuratively and literally.

I moved away “for good” over 9 years ago – first, living in Pittsburgh for 6 years, and now the Des Moines area for over 3 1/2 years. I’ve had varying degrees of emotional attachment to Cleveland since relocating. When we lived in Pennsylvania, it was an easy road trip several times a year. I struggled with feeling disconnected, particularly after my grandparents passed away. There was no longer an open drop-in location. Going back to Ohio meant the trappings of stress, anxiety, not recognizing anyone anymore when we went out… guilt. I was determined to make this Pittsburgh-is-my-home identity my replacement.

I mean, it mostly worked… except for falling back in love with the Browns and clinging hardily to that fandom amongst a sea of everything black-and-gold. WHO EXPECTED THAT?!

Now, living in Iowa, we’re required to take at least two flights to get back to Ohio. The trips are fewer – at least once per year, but sometimes twice. The travel stress is different, and after setting boundaries and a rotating holiday schedule a few years ago, the feelings of guilt have dissipated. I’ve started to cry at the airport the last two times I’ve left, including this most recent trip over the weekend. It was such a wonderful homecoming for a cousin’s wedding that included none of the tug-of-war for visitation. We all had to be at the same place at the same time, and most of us (ahem) were on time.

“Where are you from?” people ask when I say I’m not from Iowa. It usually starts with, “Well, I moved here from Pittsburgh…” or “Originally from Cleveland, but I was in Pittsburgh for six years before here.” The definition of home is kinda fuzzy, but I find myself more using Ohio as my answer. I can still shit on its insistence that it is the midwest (because I’m from there and it is NOT). Sure, I get sad when I leave, mostly because of honest-to-goodness happy memories that were made. But I can also honestly say that I don’t miss it, especially when I return to Des Moines and I am bursting of love of this place we’ve made our new home.

It’s a complicated relationship.

On Meditation and Other Habits That Have Fallen to the Wayside

- Mel

I sustained a 90-day daily meditation streak. And on Day 91, I opened my Headspace app in bed – as I previously mentioned my intent at moving my practice to another time of day and hahahahahahahaha JUST KIDDING – and proceeded to fall asleep. Before actually doing the meditation.

The streak was broken. All I had to do was restart on Day 92. But May 13 came and went. Aside from a mid-flight relaxation session while traveling to Vancouver, I haven’t done a single meditation exercise since.

Funny thing about habits, eh?

(Apparently my Canadien accent is still hanging on.)

Spring quarter really killed my motivation for meditation, my daily bedtime and morning coffee reading rituals, and my run schedule. I even stopped my meal tracking. I mean, I have certainly filled the void with other types of exercise and fun and way too much scrolling and trolling social media and even playing stupid games on my phone called “Toon Blast.” While I allowed myself the freedom to just do “whatever,” the structure of a training plan and daily habits kept me balanced (and really, really helps me sleep better). Plus I was making excuses: I’m not training for anything right now, so I don’t need to run at all or track my food. And because I wasn’t training for anything and wasn’t tracking my food, I was eating sandwiches for several meals a day and not eating my healthier lunch salads. And on and on.

Why is it so hard to restart habits? It’s not about motivation, FYI. I truly believe that action begets motivation. Though introducing so many components at once is setting up for overwhelm and, possibly, failure. The key is to integrate small pieces at a time.

My training schedule for my fall 50K started this week, and I’m committed to seeing to that race as a strong participant (and working with a coach who takes the guessing game of training plans out of the equation and out of my mental space). I have re-introduced my morning book with my coffee and slowly working on getting to bed at an earlier time for my nighttime reading. Though I’m on summer break, I am slowly returning to my books and notes and fellow cohorts to prepare for my upcoming internship. Summer break has been a good opportunity to reconnect with friends and be super social. And also kickstart how I want to use my minutes. Oh, hi! I’m also here again, too, hoping to reinvigorate my regular blogging habit.

I leave for two weeks in late July and will be wholly uprooted from my comfort and quiet zones, and my intention is to have my habits firmly in place by then. Though I will be in a different location and I will be sharing a coffee maker with WHO KNOWS how many people in a Bay area hostel, I can bring my habits (and my books) with me.