Today’s post is part of Blogger, May I?, with today’s prompt being Current Struggles.
I am no stranger to the struggle bus. Lately — while I’ve come to terms with my age — it’s weighted with the message of “I’m too old for this shit.”
How do you tell someone you care about that you’ve changed too much despite them? I don’t even know if that’s the right way to put it… sometimes it feels like a lapse or distance in maturity and judgment. I don’t want to be around fake people — those who often ask for advice but never listen. Gah, is that the pinnacle of some bullshit, the opposite of authenticity. I don’t want to be around people who continually put themselves into situations where all the consensus of advice goes out the window. Not saying that my guidance is appropriate for everyone, but when values are misaligned… well, it’s just not going to work out. Perhaps I’ve just been shit on too many times, but it’s a struggle to find balance to accept someone for who they are and just not liking the person that they’ve become.
Alas, my current struggle has a lot to do with change. I’m no longer afraid of it, but I am frequently disappointed because of it. And I’ve found it very freeing that instead of holding on to the ideals of my former self, I can be all I CAN CHANGE WHAT I WANT. Going back to my aforementioned situation, I’m trying not to be a hypocrite and understand that others may not be so accepting of me.
Today’s Blogger, May I? prompt is another Sunday Lately post. I spent most of my morning riding a struggle bus hangover (woof). I hope you all had a lovely weekend.
Completing:
Today’s my last day of Spring Break, and my final semester begins tomorrow. I’ll be taking two courses for the first six weeks, then another two the second six weeks — one of which is my Applied Psychology Capstone. I’ve submitted my application for graduation, so now starts that fun waiting-auditing period to ensure I have everything that I need to complete this program.
Visiting:
Visiting with my tailor today. My, how this pile of unfitting clothes (with tags, harumph) has grown. Ladies, if you’re like me and struggle with off-the-rack clothing that fits properly, make sure you have a good tailor in your arsenal. I always have my skirts fit to my shape and pants because, well, that’s all 5’3″ problems of being not too short and not tall enough.
Repeating: I am a good person with only good intentions. Sadly, I had to remind someone whom I care about quite a bit. I refuse to have another person box me into a negative persona because I have feelings and opinions. And if I have to continue to repeat my intentions, then perhaps this person will never understand me.
Applauding:
Perhaps more of a CHEERS! than applause, but my youngest brother, babiest of the babies, turned 21 today. If you wanted some insight into how old I feel today. He’s a pretty cool dude, so Happy Birthday, brother.
Scheduling:
Our basement flooded for the first time since being in this house, which got worse with yesterday’s storms — something is backed up in the drain going to the city line, so we’ll be scheduling an emergency plumber to assess what’s going on. I’m frustrated and upset and having anxiety about what this might cost us. I couldn’t believe how quickly the water spread to the other side of the basement, and we were pulling everything we could off the floor to higher ground. And the water/sludge stinks, so the clean-up is going to be gross. ARGH.
We’re more than halfway through! Today’s Blogger, May I? prompt is Tips on How to be a Tourist in Your City.
While I consider Pittsburgh to be home, living here for just shy of five years, I still find myself playing the part of tourist. There are still several neighborhoods that I’ve never stepped foot in. I’ve never been to the zoo. I am lost as to what suburbs are in what direction. The East End confuses me to no end. And I still have no fucking clue what the Parkway North is. I haven’t been on a ducky boat. For shame!
Now, living within city limits provides me certain geographical advantages, and it’s been helpful starting from the center outward. Being a former downtown resident, and now a downtown worker, I can help other tourists navigate to their interests. I cannot, however, recommend a convenience store downtown for you to purchase beer, Chicagoans (yes, that happened yesterday). My favorite way to see the city is by foot, but you MUST get a view of the skyline from the water. I’d recommend kayaking — one of my favorite things to do in this city. Also, thanks to Uber, you don’t need to feel “stuck” to one neighborhood any more. Which is why for the first time, since ever, I am excited to go hang out in Lawrenceville tonight.
In any event, I still have a list of things that I’d like to do in Pittsburgh (here are 10):
1. As previously mentioned, go to the zoo…
2. And quack-quack my way onto a Just Ducky boat
3. Visit the Carnegie Museum of Art
4. Go bar-hopping one night in Shadyside
5. Have drinks at Bob’s Garage – and marvel at all the Christmas decorations
6. I gotta Regatta!
7. Get to the Allegheny Observatory during one of their lectures
8. Tour Trundle Manor
9. See a laser show at the Carnegie Science Museum
10. Do a COMPLETE cheat of my diet restrictions, and eat at Jozsa Corner
This post needs its own hashtag. But if I took the time to look, I’m sure it already exists.
What inspires me? (Today’s prompt from Blogger, May I?) Seemingly a lot these days. And it feels good. SO GOOD.
I find inspiration in little things now that I was oblivious to only a few months ago. Joy in seemingly insignificant interactions with people… or nature. I smile and say “hello” more to passing strangers. I leave my headphones in my bag. I engage with things that are in my sight-line. I look up. Always. Is it inner peace? Perhaps. It’s certainly an effect of me being mindful of my surroundings and conscious of being present. There really is a lot to be said about living in the moment and keeping company with people who make you happy. Those people inspire me most of all. I’ve left my days of being angry all the time behind. Mostly. I’m human. I can snap out of a mood by providing my own perspective. Buh-bye aggressive driving. I’m in no rush.
Slowing down has never felt so good.
I’ve had to come to terms with a lot of the forced happiness that I was feeling for far too long. The people that I chose to be around caused me sufficient grief and… well, I was relentlessly unsettled. By removing the blocks to my growth, I’ve truly changed my perception on so many things. Back to the friends mention from earlier. Man, my friends are doing amazing things, and they are probably my biggest source of inspiration. Every day, I am motivated to learn more, do better, follow through, be gracious — and humbly, they return these friendships. If luck had anything to do with it, well, I am incredibly lucky. I am surrounded by good people.
the week:
Feeling incredibly inspired this week. And, like, fist-pump-the-sky happy. I feel like I’m going to accomplish a lot of crap this weekend. *fist bump*
Birthday #latergram
weekend:
Oh my, do I have some relaxation planned for my weekend! I’m also looking forward to Beauty Slap’s LP release at Cattivo on Saturday night AND finally getting in at my tailor for alterations (seriously). It’s only taken me since January!
52 books in 52 weeks:
#15: The Three Marriages. I disliked this book. A lot. The author both exhausted and bored me. I am glad that I finished it, however, as the final chapter had some valuable insights.
I love that Goodreads has a book tracker function in its yearly reading challenge, for me to set my goals and see how many books I’ve read so far. Not too terrible on my challenge, by the way, only 4 books behind schedule.
Moving on…
seven things, seven days:
1. Welp, I’m officially signed up for my second half marathon. Destination: Cleveland.
2. Submitted my application for graduation. Guess I should start seriously looking at grad programs.
3. Ahem. Another straight A semester!
4. For my birthday, the boyfriend bought me my first outfit from lululemon. Ladies, I *totally* get it now, why you spend $90 on a pair of yoga pants. These things are AMAZING (for my butt).
5. I am also the proud owner of a new iPhone 6 and matching rose gold MacBook (shipping TBD). Hashtag, spoiled.
6. There’s so much outdoor yoga happening this summer around Pittsburgh. Yoga every weekend!
7. I like this: The unexpected pleasure of doing things alone. {via The Atlantic}
I have a problem with goals. It’s not that I don’t have successes or savor my achievements, I just think goal-setting in the linear model isn’t a one-size-fits-all scenario. To even have goals in the first place, we must dream big. But big goals? That’s not going to work. I also have a problem with A, B, and yes, C goals, which I’ll cover at the end of this breathless rant.
This will probably challenge your thinking a bit, so I hope you’ll play along.
You’ve likely encountered the acronym for SMART goals: specific, measurable, attainable, relative, timely (or time-BOUND… ack). And if your goals are not SMART enough, you’re dumb. We’re going about this all wrong.
Let’s look at it this way — a DOGMA, if you will: dynamic, observational, growth, monitor, authentic.
Way to really personalize the goals process, right? Because goal-setting shouldn’t be about over-qualifying and dialing in the specificity so much that we turn ourselves into obsessive-compulsive robots. Also, I hate the word measurable — you are not a stat; you are a human being. SMART goals might work for businesses, but you are not being publicly traded (I hope). You might not be able to determine a beginning and an end, but aren’t goals meant to be built on top of previous successes? There’s something that I read recently — I think it was on Humans of New York — about a man who was so focused on climbing Everest and reaching the summit that he never stopped to experience the process or the experience leading up to his adventure. When things went wrong, as they’re wont to do, and he didn’t reach the top, his dream was left unfulfilled and he was left… empty. As though he accomplished nothing. YEARS of life felt like a waste because he could not attain that end-point.
That’s not how goals should be. (After some growth, he now knows it too.)
We need goals; we also need to dream big, otherwise life would probably get kind of boring.
My DOGMA (yes, I made this up) is accepting of change, reliant on support of others while being perceptive, a positive learning experience alongside a process of development; goals that you require you to be in tune with your sense of self, your values, your fears, and your needs (it’s always about the needs!) and listening to your mind and body while reviewing your progress. This isn’t (and shouldn’t be) about what others want for you. These are YOUR principles.
For that matter, these are mine. And those are the tenets of my goal-setting process. I should probably write a book about them.
Side note: A, B, and C goals ARE SETTING YOU UP TO FAIL. Or to be really, really mediocre. Who wants to be mediocre? No, you want to feel accomplished, and that emotion only happens when you attain to that A goal. THE MAIN GOAL. B and C are complacency goals that give you clearance for fucking up. Which, THAT’S OK TOO. I will be in that line to tell you that failing is good. You know what failure is? Authenticity. A motivator. Drive to try again. NOT SETTLING. Changing things up. But you should never go head-first into a goal by placing tiers of failure.
How do you set and manage your dreams and goals?
This post is part of this month’s Blogger, May I? and today’s prompt is A Big Dream/Goal.
I’m going to deviate a bit from today’s Blogger, May I? prompt of “This Time Last Year…” since there was something truly life-changing that happened to me two years ago this week.
Recently, a friend shared a story via Facebook about another girl who posted pictures of her skin cancer treatments online to promote “healthier” tanning habits in young women. I’m here to do the same thing. I actively blogged about this two years ago because it was traumatic. Two years ago, not only did I find out a flat, colorless, shiny spot on my face was skin cancer, but lost my two grandparents within three months of one another. A Basal Cell Carcinoma diagnosis happened in the middle of that. I endured another year of deep depression, only finding my way back to happiness a few months ago.
I was only 36-years-old then. Still, my dermatologist EVERY SINGLE VISIT tells me that I’m too young. It remains extremely difficult to hear that and know, for the most part, IT WAS PREVENTABLE. Every year around my birthday now I have to do a screening. Last week I had another biopsy, which thankfully was benign. But those old feelings still creep up. I still have the scars, both emotionally and physically. While my dermatologist compliments the surgeons for how well they stitched my face back up, I still have to look at it every day and be reminded of my ignorance.
You can’t see it, but I can.
I’d be remiss to not mention its impact financially. While my screening appointments are covered, insurance does not pay for biopsies — each year I have at least one and each costs me about $250. The MOHs surgery cost SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS. All of which had to be paid up-front, out-of-pocket. I was horribly and visibly bruised for several days, which meant not being able to go to work either (and meant unpaid personal days). And because I am admittedly vain about my face, I will also (soon) pay a couple hundred dollars to remove broken blood vessels that resulted from the surgery. Some people pay more for plastic surgery, so, yes, I know that I am “lucky” in that regard.
In any event, I will pontificate and remind you that getting an annual skin cancer screening — especially if you are fair skinned, sunburn easily or often, have a lot of moles or freckles — IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. That link, by the way, will take you to the Skin Cancer Foundation’s website, which has a lot of helpful information about the different types of skin cancer, how to detect and/or the warning signs, and how or where to get screened.
Today’s prompt from Blogger, May I? is a topic that I’ve never really blogged about: the more technical side of blogging.
1. WordPress
I’ve mentioned in a previous post that I’ve been blogging for over a decade. For those years, I’ve primarily used WordPress, but I’ve published via Blogger, TypePad, and if you want to call it blogging, Tumblr. WordPress is far-and-beyond my platform of choice. I do have a little experience with design and coding, so its capabilities are natural for me. I got frustrated with some of the limitations of other platforms.
2. Diptic
I have some serious aggravation with iPhone pictures and WordPress and WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SHOW SIDEWAYS?! I have to fix all of my photos in the Diptic mobile app prior to uploading. This app has the capability of making collages, resizing, and adding borders or text to photos too.
3. P-metrics
I use Performancing P-metrics for my site tracking and blog stats, since it’s easy to understand, puts the important information up front, simple tabs to gain more insight about traffic, and is relatively inexpensive at $9.99/month. Google Analytics are overly-complicated; WordPress stats are inaccurate. I wish I could even remember how I came upon P-metrics, but it’s one of those things that just worked for me and I kept using it.
4. Related Posts plug-in
You want people to read your content, then stay and read some more right? This is why I love the Related Posts plug-in; it’s easy to install on your WordPress blog, and the thumbnails from similar entries are populated right from the posts (I know, I should post more pictures). There are different customizations and settings to fit the elements of your blog and its design.
I can’t wait to read everyone else’s blogging tools (I already learned something new today.) What are your favorite tools?
I did a little skip-a-roo on my Blogger, May I? post yesterday, so that I could focus on (finally) getting my half marathon recap published. Yesterday’s prompt was “What are you learning?” which is my post topic today. And stay tuned for today’s actual post a little later.
If you want to talk about learning in the traditional sense, I have learned quite a bit since starting my applied psychology program last year. I’ve learned that books are even more expensive than 20 years ago when I first stepped foot in college! Among other things. In the, perhaps, non-traditional sense (for lack of a better way to reference), I have been learning a lot about myself lately — mostly that I have changed in many ways even in the last few months.
I have been learning how to live with purpose and intent. I have learned how to slow down. How not to procrastinate. How not procrastinating has somehow made my days feel longer and more fulfilled. Accomplished. I’ve learned how to tame my boredom and be OK with complacency and stillness. I love the quiet. I’ve learned the importance of forgiveness and forgetting — and most importantly, the difference between the two. I’ve learned how to communicate better with my partner (thanks, therapy!). I’ve learned that running changes my body shape. Heck, I’ve even learned that I look younger when I don’t wear eyeliner.
I’ve alluded to personal growth a few times on this blog, and I have made that a priority in my life: to be OK with who I am, who I’ve become, who I want to be. It’s that acceptance that you read about that comes with age. Wisdom with age, the wealth we all hope to accumulate.
Everything still feels pretty surreal since finishing my FIRST half marathon a week ago. A lot of the race is a blur, but I really tried to take everything in and savor moments, while also achieving my goals for the race.
Registration and Cost: I had to go back to see how long ago I decided to do this race. My registration was at the end of October of 2014 — BEFORE I HAD EVEN RUN MY FIRST TEN MILER. I must’ve been some kind of crazy. Blame the Halloween candy. The cost was $85 for the half registration, which I imagine had some fees attached.
Expo and Packet Pick-up: I am generally not an Expo person, but I LOVED this Expo. I loved it so much that I went back a second day — and spent a LOT more money. CURSES, EXPO! But I have a lot of fun running shirts and pants now. I had to pick up both my 5K and half packets; packet pick-up was super annoying for the 5K, only because they lumped the last name starts with “U” with the “Ss” and OMG every “Smith” or “Stewart” was in line before me.
For the half, I had to repeat my number at least 6 times, but poor lady was probably number-dumb by the time I showed up. It’s like when you see the same word over-and-over again and it just doesn’t look right anymore. Picking up my bib was simple, but everything else was separate and a little frustrating. I had to go down a few tables to the shirt section for my shirt (for 5K they were behind every table). The race bag was ALL THE WAY AT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EXPO. I hate that. A lot. I am an efficiency person.
Fundraising: I ended up raising $355 for the National Aviary — thanks to everyone who donated!
Bag Check: I didn’t use since I could walk to the start corrals (and packed the boyfriend with a bag for the finish line), but I had several options, including the special bag check perk from being an SCRR member.
Weather: The morning was chillier than I expected, so I started down with a long-sleeve shirt. I initially picked out a throw-away, but when it was colder, I realized I would be running most of the race in long sleeves. Cue, dramatic irony when it felt suddenly like 103 degrees. Once I was up the hill of Carson Street, the long-sleeve had to come off. It was a beautiful day, to be sure, but definitely not ideal for a marathon. That morning I suffered from a wardrobe indecision, and my “flat Mel” changed twice before leaving the house.
Alas, there was an AMAZING sunrise that morning.
(also, that guy from the Anchorman crew ran with a lamp for the entirety of the race. People are hilarious!)
Course: So much love for this course! During my training runs, I covered most of the half marathon route, and the north side/downtown sections were my regular stomping grounds. And since I’m a proper Pittsburgh lady, I love running those bridges.
Fans and Experience: There were fans — a LOT of them. I high-fived a cow in Allegheny Commons. I touched a blow-up llama alpaca for good luck. I ran down the hill of the West End to a band singing “YMCA” — with hundreds of people happily dancing and spelling it out on the sidelines. I saw Steff on the 16th Street Bridge. A lady gave me a giant, incredibly delicious orange in the South Side. I did not eat the lube on a stick (that was the best first marathon advice ever received)!
But here is what I didn’t expect because people talk about how the crowds and cheering help you get through everything… I was overwhelmed before I made it to Station Square. Completely, totally over-stimulated and wanted to be alone in my running world. I never trained for that happening — I mean, how can you?! Through doing large races like this, I guess. I put in my headphones and didn’t take them out until I crossed that finish line.
Recycled derby sign!
Random Bullshit: Guy yelling and face-timing on his phone in the Strip District WHILE HE WAS RUNNING about his prior night losing $600 at the Casino. That was really too early to feel so annoyed at another runner, but OMG what an asshole. Kinda hope he puked on his shoes somewhere.
Favorite Sign: South Side, “I’m not flat, but the next mile is!”
Finish Line: A Robyn song came up on my playlist, and I turned into the crazy person singing this down Boulevard of the Allies all the way to the Finish Line. SINGING. I felt strong, I felt empowered… I felt silly! But I gave zero shits. I WAS RUNNING 13 MILES.
Medals and Swag: This race weekend was a medal extravaganza — I got a finisher’s medal for doing both the 5K and the half marathon, but also the Steel Challenge medal. For swag, I’m pretty sure everyone else covered hating the salmon-pink shirts, right? I don’t hate pink, but I REALLY wanted that green shirt; and considering how large the women’s small was, a men’s shirt would never have fit me. I liked the magazine/booklet for the race that was in the bag; it’s a nice keepsake. And those ice pods are the bomb. There was also a can of some Redbull product and a NuGo bar in there — both of which I likely can’t have, so… eh. I was honestly really hoping for one of those small foil packets of sunscreen or lube to put in my “fuel” belt.
Bonus: Great way to start off the birthday week! This was also officially the last race I finished as a 37-year-old.
Notable 30-somethings: There were three 30-something females who placed in the Top 10 for the half marathon. Caitlin, Jennifer, and Sarah: you’re amazing! There were two 30-something men in their division’s Top 10 too. Heck yeah, Sam and Jeff! Man, is it beyond hope that one day I’d like to run a 6-minute mile?
After party: Our Neighbors hosted a post-race brunch and there were all the things to eat. I could barely stomach a deviled egg and some mimosas. I did happily enjoy a full plate of pickles though. GIMME BRINE.
OVERALL The Great: NO KNEE PAIN. Like, at all. No pain anywhere. The Good: I felt SO GOOD all the way through Mile 11 (where I almost started crying because at that point it was my furthest distance ever). The Bad: My fingers swelled up though, like two times their size. It was really uncomfortable when they started pulsing. Chalking it up to the heat. The Ugly: Mile 12, man. For how good I felt at Mile 11, I felt completely opposite at Mile 12. Probably because I had so much energy to run up that dang hill right after the Birmingham Bridge and it was just too much. But I was not walking that hill. Nope. Strangely, my split doesn’t reflect how terrible I felt.
RESULTS
Finished 2:20:49
Pace 10:44/mi avg (per official race results)
I’m so proud of my finish! I was right on target for my time goal too — running my fastest mile at 7 miles in kinda blows my mind. There wasn’t much I could do about starting slow, which is something of a blessing, as there was a LOT of congestion in Corral D for at least the first two miles.
