So, I’ve been missing… I know. Let’s just say there has been a lot of emotional turmoil within a few months. The whole skin cancer thing really messed me up. I can’t explain why because on the surface it’s really nothing — or maybe I’m just trying to tell myself that — and I probably need to have my own therapist to work through it. While my scar is healing, the emotional part isn’t.

Bookending that: Three months ago, I lost my grandfather. Then, last month my grandmother went to hospice — she has been in steady decline over the last few years due to Alzheimer’s, and ended up in hospice after falling and breaking her hip (and not recovering from the surgery). Thankfully, we each had our own moments of clarity with her before she passed a few weeks later, which I will never forget.

Losing grandparents three months apart is heartbreaking, and it’s sad to think this might be the eventual separation of family. My grandmother was a huge part of my life — she’s honestly the reason why I was immersed in, well, everything growing up: ballet, piano lessons, art, theater, traveling. She’s also where I get all my strength. That woman was amazing. My grandfather, equally so. Their lives were full of love (married 70 years!) and family, and both were such open, gracious, genuine people. It’s a huge emptiness to deal with.

It’s no wonder that my relationship has suffered too. It’s too much stress and sadness for one person, and there’s only one person to bear the brunt of all that. Sad, but true. I’m working on it though.

For now, I feel lost.