Lost.

So, I’ve been missing… I know. Let’s just say there has been a lot of emotional turmoil within a few months. The whole skin cancer thing really messed me up. I can’t explain why because on the surface it’s really nothing — or maybe I’m just trying to tell myself that — and I probably need to have my own therapist to work through it. While my scar is healing, the emotional part isn’t.

Bookending that: Three months ago, I lost my grandfather. Then, last month my grandmother went to hospice — she has been in steady decline over the last few years due to Alzheimer’s, and ended up in hospice after falling and breaking her hip (and not recovering from the surgery). Thankfully, we each had our own moments of clarity with her before she passed a few weeks later, which I will never forget.

Losing grandparents three months apart is heartbreaking, and it’s sad to think this might be the eventual separation of family. My grandmother was a huge part of my life — she’s honestly the reason why I was immersed in, well, everything growing up: ballet, piano lessons, art, theater, traveling. She’s also where I get all my strength. That woman was amazing. My grandfather, equally so. Their lives were full of love (married 70 years!) and family, and both were such open, gracious, genuine people. It’s a huge emptiness to deal with.

It’s no wonder that my relationship has suffered too. It’s too much stress and sadness for one person, and there’s only one person to bear the brunt of all that. Sad, but true. I’m working on it though.

For now, I feel lost.

Weekly Therapy: grieving, traveling, remembering…

the week:
This week started out rough, with my grandfather’s viewing and funeral. So much sadness. I’m sure you’ll pardon my absence.
I have to add though that it was wonderful seeing my sisters and family all together, considering the gloomy circumstances. I wish I could see them every weekend…

We found this letter to my grandmother on the back of a photo (a picture of my grandfather in his military uniform).
We found this letter to my grandmother on the back of a photo (a picture of my grandfather in his military uniform).

weekend:
Trying to get back to a hint of normalcy (and catching up on work). We have Book of Mormon tickets for Friday night. I’ve been anticipating this show for nearly a year. So. Exited.

Saturday, our home team had some “closure” with an end-of-season brunch, which I’m hosting. And I’m much less stressed out socializing in the morning than the evening. Weird, right? #partybrunch

Alas, on Easter I’m working (hangovers!), but the boyfriend promised to bring me home some hrutka. SOMEBODY better also bring me some Cadbury eggs.

seven things, seven days:
1. FINALLY got reservations at Cure — and wow, what a meal! (SALUMI. All Caps.)
2. Remind me to tell you about the time the gate came crashing down onto my car in the EZpass lane on the turnpike.
3. One-point loss in our Detroit game. An amazing game for us, nonetheless. Bonus: after party at Atwater Brewing!
4. Received my Spring Mystery Box from Julep. I am completely obsessed with their polish and products!
5. And then the post office lost YET ANOTHER box that I “missed” being delivered to my house. Their answer: “We don’t know where it is.” SERIOUSLY.
6. Side note: ALL OF THE DESSERTS. I cannot resist you.
7. Your psychology refresher from PsychCentral, the Five Stages of Loss and Grief (Kubler-Ross model)

Finding Your Place: the loss and cultivation of identity

I realized that making a commitment to blog for 30 days straight, that I’d be “calling it in” on more than one occasion (I promise not TOO many only-picture posts; I don’t want to talk your ear off either). But the REAL goal is opening up this page every day, logging into WordPress, considering what to write in this space — the possibility of connecting with Readers (hi there, if there’s anyone out there!) — creating a habit. Creating a new identity, albeit online.

Starting over with this new site, there is considerable time to realize any sort of growth or success or even pride. In life, you experience many stages of growth and need to adapt accordingly. Take this blog, for instance: I need to find my voice here. Find topics to write about that matter to a completely different audience. Just writing SOMETHING is an exercise in finding myself again.

I’ve now experienced the death of a blog too — a “popular” one at some point in its existence. And, likely, an idea that was stretched for far longer than its need. Can the Stages of Grief be applied to the loss of a blog?

The Kubler-Ross model, commonly known as the Stages of Grief, include the following steps:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

More recently, there has been the addition of Shock and Guilt to encompass a “seven stages” cycle of grief.

I only kicked the “other” blog to the curb when I could hit PUBLISH on that final Goodbye post. When I knew everything would “be OK” (however many emotions I go through that equate to relapsing those stages). And as I go through a variety of online and in-real-life changes, I’m feeling a considerable loss of identity.

I thought the worst of that was behind me when I turned 35…