Inside My Brain

What happens when you get skin cancer.

- Mel

My risk for skin cancer is high: I was an indoor tanner for YEARS. While my skin does (eventually) tan, I am light skinned with blue eyes. Probably a II on the Fitzpatrick Skin Type classification. I had SEVERAL terrible sunburns PER YEAR — as both a child and an adult. I was a sun worshipper by beach or by pool. I have visible sun damage by way of freckles and age spots. And now I’ve had my first basal cell carcinoma. While I’d like to hope it will be my only experience with skin cancer, I’m realistic in that is probably unlikely.

Now that I’ve had one, my risk is 50% greater for developing another in my lifetime. And the statistics were already not in my favor to begin with. Plus, all things considered, I’m still young.

At my annual skin cancer screening in April, I let my dermatologist know that I had a rough patch of skin near my right eye — it broke open once over last summer, bled, but never scabbed. A few times it broke open again when I used my Clairsonic in that area. I just thought it was a sensitive spot. Like, my sunglasses gave me a callous. There was no mole, no freckle and no discolored skin. But I’m glad I brought it to her attention anyway.

She said the skin had a “sheen” to it and biopsied from that area.

A week later, I learned that the pathology report read basal cell carcinoma, a common and, thankfully, treatable form of skin cancer. But still, I HAVE SKIN CANCER. Because of my curious and over-driven (possibly over-anxious) brain, I had to learn everything about it: how it occurs, the differences between the types of skin cancer, treatment options… so many disfiguring pictures.

My dermatologist recommended MOHs surgery, since the BCC was on my face. ON MY FACE. During the procedure, a MOHs surgeon removes the cancerous tissue, testing the margins of each piece to ensure all of the cancer is out. You don’t leave until you test cancer free. Some people need several rounds of this — thankfully, I needed only one, which means the cancer was small and caught early.

Even still, I needed approximately 15 stitches to patch me back up — some of those are INSIDE my skin, and will be in there for up to three months. I get my bandages off tomorrow afternoon, and I think they’re taking out the exterior stitches.

Progression of healing:
mohs surgery face 30s

I definitely have some healing left to do. Emotionally and cosmetically. Scarring is inevitable when removing skin cancer. And I will always have the reminder looking back at me every. single. day. I probably still have yet to reach full acceptance and accountability.

It’s really hard to accept that, at a certain level, I could have protected myself from this. I’m the only one to blame, thinking for so many years that Tan is Beautiful. While I’ve given up my tanning days several years ago, I can’t erase time and terrible mistakes. It’s heartbreaking… and an emotional roller coaster that won’t end for some time.

The noticeable bruising and swelling is very difficult to cover, especially when you can’t just hide inside your house for the next three months. So, that’s why I decided to share my story and my pictures, even though this was really hard for me. To every 30-something: GET YOUR ANNUAL SKIN CANCER SCREENING. Yes, I’m yelling. And for those young people who think you’re invincible, please stop tanning — indoor and out. Use 30+ broad spectrum sunscreen. Always.

You may think that Tan is Beautiful too. But cancer is not.

RIP, baby teeth. And where’s that darn Tooth Fairy?!

- Mel

Yesterday was the last day with my last baby tooth. This morning, my dentist pulled it.

Getting a tooth pulled is a crazy, weird, anxious and scary experience. Probably one of the most weird occurrences that I can remember in my 35 years. You hear that?! I had a baby tooth for THIRTY-FIVE YEARS. Almost 36, but who’s counting anymore. Around 10 years ago, I lost another of my baby teeth as an adult. And it was equally as terrible of an experience, requiring oral surgery to remove twisty, curved roots that had broken off from the crown and stayed put. This last baby tooth was pulled to make way for the adult tooth that finally made its appearance known by breaking through the gum line (and not pushing the other tooth out of the way, naturally). That former baby tooth had a cavity when I was little; has been broken and filled twice in my adulthood (once, eating pizza for lunch at my part-time coffee shop job; the second, eating Skyline Chili in Cincinnati with a former boyfriend — both incidents reminding me of two very distinct places in my life).

I’m feeling oddly reflective about losing the last part of my youth. Seems silly to think about a deciduous tooth in that regard, no? It was a resilient bugger (proven by the seemingly difficult manner in removing it), but it was a problem tooth too. Decay had once again found its way into the tight spaces between it and its neighbor. If that’s all not a metaphor for lost youth, I don’t know what it.

In my future: the possibility of adult braces. Which… meh.

Maybe I’m not such a grown-up after all.

30 Days, 30 Posts Challenge: COMPLETE!

- Mel

And here is December! Whew. I did it! I published 30 posts in 30 days. Even with a vacation and a road trip under my belt for November! Yes, I subsequently took a couple days soon after the 11/30 deadline.

What I hoped to achieve:
Find this blog’s direction and purpose. Find other bloggers (especially other therapists or counselors, or wannabes, in their 30s) in my niche. Find if the topics I wrote about — or were interested in — would resonate with 30-something Readers.

What I learned:
I was devoted. I was determined to finish. I even made some new online friends. When put to task and under stress and the all-too-ubiquitous “I’m busy,” I had something to prove — to you or to me?! Isn’t that kind of statement always some kind of unnecessary pressure to ourselves to complete goals?

Well, because of all that, I have a new passion: to share my personal experiences and lifestyle as a 30-something woman to evoke a reaction, a response — heck, a follow-ship! And thank you for reading along.

Going forward:
More guest posts like this. More pictures. Regularly-scheduled themed posts like this. And this. MORE 30-something awesomeness. Definitely more shoes.

Did you participate in either Nanowrimo or the 30 Days of Posts challenges? Leave your blog link in the comments!

Relax… it’s just travel anxiety.

- Mel

It’s time for traveling again.

plane

And I am a mess. That “mess” is one part anxiety and all other parts stress.

I’m certainly worse when there’s an airliner involved, but this holiday road trip has me totally on edge. I worked full time at my part-time job so coworkers could take their PTO. This, in addition to all the work I have to plan and schedule to take place while I’m Away From Computer — and I am beyond exhausted, even given an almost-perfect sleep schedule for the last 5 or so days. I’m salty; I’m edgy. I have a short fuse. I’m being “negative” and “mean” (says this tall, hairy person who shares a house with me). I want to sit down and maybe have a glass of wine to relax, but there’s still so much to do. At least in my head.

*sigh*

I need to make a list.

I have NO idea why I’m stressed, and nothing works to alleviate it (short of temporary meditation benefits; but, I mean, if I were in a muscle relaxer mood, then maybe we could talk). We’ve taken this trip before (our newfound pilgrimage — heh — to see our friends in the south over the Thanksgiving holiday). If I forget anything, there are Targets and grocery stores in South Carolina. My Dramamine is packed (aforementioned hairy man-as-driver is not my preferred method of travel). The cat sitters are scheduled. My suitcase is kinda-sorta packed (overly… packed). Directions, easy (thanks, Siri!). I have clean underwear.

I should be enjoying this “I’m Going on Vacation” moment, right?

Do you experience travel anxiety before leaving on a trip? Tell me how you cope in the comments!