2018 goals

Do something every day… until you don’t.

- Mel

I have engaged in several 30-day challenges – some more successful than others. Sure, there’s research that supports the impact that a certain amount of days you spend doing something helps it to become a habit. But there’s also research that supports that the “28-day rule” is crap and that depending on who you are that number could be 15 days or 51 days or maybe even 251 days. Point being, doing something every day to establish a habit is only good until you stop doing The Thing. And then if you’re like me, you completely fall off-the-rails and abandon The Thing altogether.

I had the intent of blogging every day in November because I truly missed regular blogging. I made it 14 days in a row before I completely forgot – with a futile attempt at logging into my phone from bed on Day 15 to get up SOMETHING, and wholly unable to log into WordPress via mobile app and unwilling to leave the comfort of flannel sheets to find my laptop. And here we are on Day 23 – almost 10 days without blogging again.

A similar story occurs with my goal of getting my running back more consistently. I was good for two weeks… and then didn’t run for an entire week. Blogging and running are things that I love to do, so why am I not making them the priority?

Can I blame everything on grad school?

In any event, this post is an effort for me to get on track with regular posting again. Man, do I hate Blog Apology Posts, so I won’t do that here (nor do I even have the audience to warrant such impossible perfection). NaBlowWriMo was not a success for me this year. Though an important lesson is one in which I previously mentioned: I am doing things because I love to do them, not because I have to justify to others my availability, my presence, my attendance, or my priorities. In the meantime, I will be exploring and reflecting a bit more on how I get habits to stick. Kinda like how I never forget to have my coffee every morning, amirite?

How do you build habits? What tricks work for you to maintain those new habits?

Did I make any goals this year?

- Mel

The approach of July had me thinking about personal mid-year reviews… and after writing down a few things on a to-do list, I didn’t do much reflection beyond that. With the onslaught of social media messages of WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LAST 90 DAYS and the like (I guess we’re now onto the last 60, fml, and fuck these online Influencers), there seems to be a death march to accomplish All The Things before you pop that bottle on 12/31/18 at 11:59 p.m.

goal setting FML
What the fuck am I doing?

Am I doing in 2018 what I set out to do at the beginning of the year?

Did I even set any resolutions?

What did I anticipate to happen this year?

How many times did I utter FML?

And if I didn’t blog about it, was any of it true?

Bullshit upon bullshit, etc. etc.

OH BUT WAIT. You were also supposed to make some goals on your birthday, dumbass. Or is it your half-birthday? And say “yes” more. Or less, depending on your flavor of Instagram motivational messages.

I’ll tell you what my personal death march is: finishing this damn degree and anticipating a return to the workplace. FML, I miss having a paycheck.

And then there’s the death march back to the start line after finishing only 13 miles of a 31-mile race. F. M. L.

Did I resolve to not swear as much this year? 🙄🙄🙄

I also have to death march back to therapy because my social anxiety and perfectionism is hell bent on destroying my attempts at achieving even just a little bit of success. Is there a joke about perfectionism and resolutions? Because I feel like there has to be one in there. I’ll ask my therapist. Speaking of therapy and social anxiety — most of which is rooted in rejection or the perception of rejection — I was rejected by four other potential therapists before finding one who would take me on as a new client. I realize that you can only control what you can control, but maybe find less rejection in your life, okay?

I guess that I did make some goals for March, April, and May. Is it a coincidence that I stopped making them after my birthday in May?

Oh crap, my half-birthday is in a few days…

Extra Reading
An Open Letter to Those Who Have No Ambition, No Goals, and No Dreams. {via A Conscious Rethink}
100 Days with No Goals {via The Minimalists}

Reading Challenge: 2018 Books I’ve Read

- Mel

I already read quite a bit for grad school, but I still make time to read outside of my assignments. My Reading Challenge goal for 2018 was to finish two books per month – one fiction and one non-fiction – totaling 24 books for the year. I haven’t been including my textbooks, since I generally skip around chapters depending on weekly topics; though I have included books that are required readings and that I complete traditionally from beginning-to-end.

In any event, as of a couple days ago, I have completed my 2018 challenge!

Most of my book recommendations come from Goodreads and Book of the Month* membership, and I am back-logged a bit on titles (despite skipping a few months but also realizing that I pre-paid for a 6-month membership which… I guess has been revamped?).

Here are some of the books I finished (I didn’t list or review everything, but check out my Goodreads profile for all the books on my shelves!):

The Wife Between Us by Greer Hendricks – I think I spent all New Year’s Day reading/finishing this book. Solid suspense and storyline!

Peak Performance: Elevate Your Game, Avoid Burnout, and Thrive with the New Science of Success – I was hoping it would be heavier on the burnout stuff, but overall 5 STARS for those in the performance/sports space (or interested in those concepts). Stulberg and Magness have a knack for breaking down science for the masses.

One Day We’ll All Be Dead and None of This Will Matter by Scaachi Koul – This is another one of those books where I feel that everyone else loves it, and I’m left feeling… empty. It was funny at times, but it wasn’t the expected belly laugh that others presented it to be.

Activating Happiness: A Jump-Start Guide to Overcoming Low Motivation, Depression, or Just Feeling Stuck by Rachel Hershenberg – Thanks to the publisher, New Harbinger, for sending a copy of this great non-fiction book about how to introduce happiness strategies to counteract low motivation and negative moods. Based on scientific research, there are some good takeaways – some new info and some you’ve probably heard before (given if you’re interested in this genre). I gave it 4 stars out of 5.

The Broken Girls by Simone St. James – This was a little departure from what I would normally read. The “ghost story” element of it got me too freaked out to read it when my husband was traveling and I was home alone. The ending was a surprise, despite a BUNCH of theories I developed along the way in reading. A very satisfying book (don’t read it home alone lol).

The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter to a New Generation of Therapists and Their Patients by Irvin Yalom – This was an assigned read for my counseling course… which had me in tears as I finished the last page. It is SUCH a beautiful book! And if you work at all in the helping professions, I would highly encourage you to read it.

Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body – Despite finishing this book in March, I’m still thinking about it. I’m not sure if I liked it or not – which is probably #unpopularopinion. I’m not someone who connects to Gay’s writing but she has a powerful message to tell. The book is often very uncomfortable to read… and that is exactly why I would recommend it.

Not That I Could Tell by Jessica Strawser

Then She Was Gone by Lisa Jewell

The Weight of Silence by Heather Gudenkauf – One of my few 5-star ratings (for fiction) of the year. I randomly found out about this book from someone’s Instagram post. It has the added appeal for me, in that it takes place in a humid Iowa summer. It’s SO, SO good. Get yourself a copy from the library or buy used on Amazon.

Insight: Why We’re Not as Self-Aware as We Think, and How Seeing Ourselves Clearly Helps Us Succeed at Life and Work (YES, IT’S A MOUTHFUL! But I highly, HIGHLY recommend this book from Tasha Eurich – and not just because our last names sound the same. It’s my favorite non-fiction book of the year thus far.)

The Book of Essie by Meghan MacLean Weir – One of my BOTM selections that I was initially excited about… the daughter of a preacher – the family has a reality show – and a secret pregnancy, has all the makings for a fun drama. But ultimately the story fell flat for me.

How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety – One of my top favorites picks for the year so far! I really appreciated how Hendricksen broke down all the concepts and theories of social anxiety. I actually learned a lot more about myself (and my social anxiety) than I knew was connected to this disorder. I’m what you would probably call “high functioning” with my social anxiety at the present (if that is even a thing), but when it takes over, it COMPLETELY takes over my life that to the point where it is debilitating and (often) destructive. Thankfully, that’s not as often as it has been in years past.

Bring Me Back by B.A. Paris – The publisher sent me an advance copy of this book. I figured out the plot early on – and the further into the book, the more it felt like it was finished by someone else. Despite that, its manic diverging and writing kept me hooked through the end. Solid 3 stars.

The Favorite Sister by Jessica Knoll – I struggled with how many stars to give this book. Honestly, I didn’t care for the story or ANY of the characters. Why did I finish it?! I had it with me on my two-week internship trip to California, so I decided to stick with it. Two stars because the ending was a surprise, but FIVE OUT OF FIVE EYES ROLLING (I mean, even the characters were rolling their eyes constantly).

Meditation for Life by Justyn Comer – Not all meditation books are created equal, and they all have a unique purpose or perspective. Comer (by way of the publisher) was gracious enough to send me a copy, as I consume basically all the meditation books I can get my hands on (did you know that I’m taking mindful practice course as part of my graduate program?!). I found this book to be a practical and useful guide based on Comer’s own experiences. A great resource for anyone curious about a meditative practice and how mindfulness can bring you fulfillment in various ways.

Mindful Framing – mehhhhhhhh. Double meh because the author called me out in a comment on my Goodreads review basically stating it was impossible to finish his book (and that I lacked the intelligence to digest the “complex set of… ideas”) in one sitting. Just… ew.

Sweet Little Lies by Caz Frear

Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn – the third book I’ve read from Kabat-Zinn. If you’re ready to go deeper into the what and how of mindfulness, his books are like the gold standard!

Baby Teeth by Zoje Stage – I received an advance copy from the publisher and BOYYYY was this a weird book! Some of the story felt wholly unbelievable at times but I couldn’t wait to finish it. AND because it was written by a Pittsburgh-based author, I got a few fun snippets of nostalgia.

Cross Her Heart by Sarah Pinborough – Solid 3.5 stars. Something about her books really irritate me; like, the endings or final chapters all feel like a rush to publish. What was really an engaging book at the start got more unfamiliar and, well, stupid the further I read. I liked the characters better in Cross Her Heart than in Behind Her Eyes, but in both books I haven’t really had an honest connection that lasted throughout. Some eye-rolling, but would still recommend for a suspenseful read.

Here is the book that I rolled my eyes at and didn’t both finishing because OH GOD IT’S SO TERRIBLE:

You Are a Badass – I won’t even link to it and give it more thought and space. There are SO many better books out in this space that synthesize the tools for “being a better you.” Read one of those instead.

Follow through for my Goodreads Book Challenge page to click through all the individual books – and add me as a friend! I obviously plan to read beyond my challenge goal – I’m aiming for 30 books finished by the end of the year.

*Referral links are included in this post: For BOTM: if you join, I get a free book! On Amazon, I get a small earning… which I’ll probably use on more books.

On Meditation and Other Habits That Have Fallen to the Wayside

- Mel

I sustained a 90-day daily meditation streak. And on Day 91, I opened my Headspace app in bed – as I previously mentioned my intent at moving my practice to another time of day and hahahahahahahaha JUST KIDDING – and proceeded to fall asleep. Before actually doing the meditation.

The streak was broken. All I had to do was restart on Day 92. But May 13 came and went. Aside from a mid-flight relaxation session while traveling to Vancouver, I haven’t done a single meditation exercise since.

Funny thing about habits, eh?

(Apparently my Canadien accent is still hanging on.)

Spring quarter really killed my motivation for meditation, my daily bedtime and morning coffee reading rituals, and my run schedule. I even stopped my meal tracking. I mean, I have certainly filled the void with other types of exercise and fun and way too much scrolling and trolling social media and even playing stupid games on my phone called “Toon Blast.” While I allowed myself the freedom to just do “whatever,” the structure of a training plan and daily habits kept me balanced (and really, really helps me sleep better). Plus I was making excuses: I’m not training for anything right now, so I don’t need to run at all or track my food. And because I wasn’t training for anything and wasn’t tracking my food, I was eating sandwiches for several meals a day and not eating my healthier lunch salads. And on and on.

Why is it so hard to restart habits? It’s not about motivation, FYI. I truly believe that action begets motivation. Though introducing so many components at once is setting up for overwhelm and, possibly, failure. The key is to integrate small pieces at a time.

My training schedule for my fall 50K started this week, and I’m committed to seeing to that race as a strong participant (and working with a coach who takes the guessing game of training plans out of the equation and out of my mental space). I have re-introduced my morning book with my coffee and slowly working on getting to bed at an earlier time for my nighttime reading. Though I’m on summer break, I am slowly returning to my books and notes and fellow cohorts to prepare for my upcoming internship. Summer break has been a good opportunity to reconnect with friends and be super social. And also kickstart how I want to use my minutes. Oh, hi! I’m also here again, too, hoping to reinvigorate my regular blogging habit.

I leave for two weeks in late July and will be wholly uprooted from my comfort and quiet zones, and my intention is to have my habits firmly in place by then. Though I will be in a different location and I will be sharing a coffee maker with WHO KNOWS how many people in a Bay area hostel, I can bring my habits (and my books) with me.