30 posts in December

Sunday Bibliotherapy: Page 202, Last Paragraph

- Mel

My current book didn’t have anything on Page 202, so I went with the last paragraph on Page 203:

String theory predicts that our physical existence requires somewhere between ten and twenty-six dimensions. Our emotional universe surely has that many and more. And in combining these spaces — our interior landscape with our external world — we can portray existence with a new depth.

— from Dataclysm

Want to share your bibliotherapy? Post in the comments your excerpt from Page 202, Last Paragraph from the book you’re currently reading.

On transformations.

- Mel

I wrote this post a couple months ago, but I really feel that it should be outside of draft status.

I’ve been thinking a lot about transformations lately, which has spurred from so many different directions and mediums. An email found its way to my inbox, requesting an update from an article written about me in 2006 (and my single life), for one. This person, I’m sure with good intentions, basically wanted to know if I ended up “happy”… but also wanted to know about the dating scene in Cleveland. The latter, I’m sure is awful (because isn’t it awful everywhere); the former: undoubtedly, yes.

[Ed note: I never responded to the letter, and yes, I told my partner about it.]

Ultimately, the whole thing left me feeling exposed all over again. I didn’t really like feeling exposed then (yes, despite agreeing to have the magazine do an article about me), and particularly now, my former life (and all its mishaps and misadventures) feels like some deep secret that I need to keep closeted away.

Prior to this email, I was equally caught off-guard when catching up on my Rich Roll podcast, to hear the infamous name of a fellow blogger (some would probably call us both douchebags or some derivative in our collective blogger heyday): Tucker Max. We both reveled in a lifestyle of partying and drinking and sipping up every opportunity to be wild and independent of really any responsibility. Those were our 20s. And in the early blogging days, bloggers like us wrote about their dating exploits — the good, the sad, the cringe-worthy, and the total destruction of messy break-ups and subsequent loneliness. He, obviously, wrote a lot more about the sex.

[Read: Tucker Max gives up the game {via Forbes}]

I broke up with my old blog (and its identity) years ago and never looked back. I experienced growth far beyond that identity (even if there are still many who refuse to believe that a person can change — family included). There was an inherent shame that was soon evident, attaching my online persona to that of Real Life Me, which affected me deeply both personally and, I honestly think, professionally, despite my feelings of pride at the time. People made me feel really, really bad about who I was. So I did a lot of soul-searching and friend searching and acceptance searching — in a lot of bad ways. For a lot of years. But it took a lot of digging in to uncover what was truly going to make me happy (was I not happy?). Make me even a better person (was I really that terrible or that different from any other single 20-something person?). In any event, that type of lifestyle was sure to run its course, and it did, and I have evolved. And I’ve moved on.

What took the longest was my self-worth. That I was worthy of praise and accomplishment and, most of all, love. That’s a ridiculous thing to admit, right? But man… I felt so damned and worthless for a huge bulk of my early adulthood. And it was all online. Exposed. Shamed.

I think that’s what made reading Jon Ronson’s “So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed” so… pained for me. The differences in actions and behaviors of shaming so abunduntly different online versus real life, but wholly affecting the person subjected to this public display of admonishment in BOTH. That pain, I think, lingers deep and long. And even more sad (and a lot more recent), Bullies came out like cockroaches despite the best efforts in pest control.

I found peace in my transformations, to be sure, and I don’t go searching for anyone’s permission or acceptance to living my own life… but that email definitely stirred up some bad memories.

More reading: How does one go about re-inventing oneself? For me, it wasn’t so much calculated as it was maturity and experience. And an absence of naivete. Letting go of things that no longer serve you, so they say. My buddy Justin (if you followed that link at the beginning of this paragraph) sums it up so succinctly: All you have to do is think differently and act accordingly.

Update on my 30s Life List

- Mel

I recently cleaned up my 30s Life List, particularly noting some items that I’m not all that interested in completing (um, shoulder tattoos, Louboutins and photography lessons? NOPE.) and have widdled this list from 30-some items to only 22 — with only 5 items crossed off and another half-way attempt (while we’re here: I STILL haven’t had my piano tuned!). While this doesn’t feel very earth-shattering, I recognize some of the things that I’ve accomplished even in the last couple years that were not even on my radar when starting this list in my early 30s (running marathons, for starters; relocating to another city, for another). Lists like this are an interesting reminder about our life phases and personal growth.

That said, I realize that I’ve got some work to do in a year-and-a-half! But… yeah, most of the stuff on this list will be near impossible to achieve. Kilimanjaro, for one, will definitely not happen, but is still something that I would like to do. Eventually. I probably don’t have the motivation to train for kayaking at long distances either. (40-something goals?) Also, rather strangely, the list is a lot of what I want to DO… rather than who I’d like to BE. So, put a little of that in your pipe and smoke on it.

Anyways, I’ll definitely be crossing off two more of these items though before the end of the year, which is exciting! The 52 Books in 52 weeks goal is something that I’ve started and stalled on for the last couple years, and this year I’m going to make it. I guess I could spend that time next year on actually writing a book? It doesn’t feel like a priority goal for me but maybe it’s something that I start to consider again.

My, how my 30s have changed!

December: 30 days of posts

- Mel

First things first, YES, I know there are 31 days in December — but I only plan to post on 30 of them. Back in May I did a similar post-per-day challenge (November 2012 was the last time that I participated in a 30-days post challenge for NaPoBloMo), and leading up to the New Year, I want to take stock of some of my experiences from this last year — looking at my 2015 goals, looking ahead to 2016 and thinking deeper about where I’ve been and where I’m going.

And maybe a little bit about being grateful on where I am NOT right now.

My posts will cover:
Relationships
Friendships
Fitness/wellness
Education
Work/career
Home life
Extracurricular
Volunteer
And anything else that comes up in the early mornings as I enjoy my first two cups of coffee.

I feel like I’ve been fleeting a bit lately, and I know that I do best on a schedule… but I’m not really sticking to a schedule and there is that “fleetiness” again. In December, I’ll start making some baby steps on next year’s resolutions – setting up some better habits and thinking about what it important to accomplish for next year. I feel deeply that 2016 will be another intense year of big changes, and I need to do my best at being prepared to mentally handle what’s to come.