30-something problems

Weekly Therapy: DONUT YOU LOVE ME?!

- Mel

Donuts, man. #gimme
GF DONUTS_valentine, 30-something

the week:
I’m seriously breaking out ALL over my face and scalp this week. WHAT IN THE WORLD. A couple weeks ago made sense when I was PMS’ing, but this is simply ridiculous. I haven’t changed my cleansing routine nor am I using any new products. Hormones? Maybe stress-induced? Frustrating!

weekend:
THREE DAY WEEKEND, EVERYONE!

Our evenings and routine this week have been shaken up a bit due to house showings (and the boyfriend has come down with a nasty cold), so we’re canceling on the ballet tonight. However, I’ll be celebrating Galentine’s with my ladies on Saturday. And then, the boyfriend and I will be celebrating the day of love with him making me brunch in bed on Sunday. 😉

Since we have a long weekend and Monday off from work, my sister and niece are coming out for a night, too.

seven things, seven days:
1. Because it’s Valentine’s Day this weekend – and I love the ballet – I thought this PBT Love Story was a cute post.
2. DO NOT LIKE the astronaut cheese. *puke*
3. RTYI: Updated gluten-free Valentine’s Day candy list.
4. I’m… not a Super Bowl Baby. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
5. Do any of you have a Helix Sleep mattress? I’m very interested in this type of product.
6. I feel as though I could have written this article – and I’m still searching for a job that fits all my needs: 4 Crucial Questions I Wish I Asked Myself Before Changing Careers {via The Financial Diet}
7. Sports sharpen the presidential image {via NY Times}

Have a wonderful Valentine’s/Galentine’s Day weekend, my lovelies! <3

December: 30 days of posts

- Mel

First things first, YES, I know there are 31 days in December — but I only plan to post on 30 of them. Back in May I did a similar post-per-day challenge (November 2012 was the last time that I participated in a 30-days post challenge for NaPoBloMo), and leading up to the New Year, I want to take stock of some of my experiences from this last year — looking at my 2015 goals, looking ahead to 2016 and thinking deeper about where I’ve been and where I’m going.

And maybe a little bit about being grateful on where I am NOT right now.

My posts will cover:
Relationships
Friendships
Fitness/wellness
Education
Work/career
Home life
Extracurricular
Volunteer
And anything else that comes up in the early mornings as I enjoy my first two cups of coffee.

I feel like I’ve been fleeting a bit lately, and I know that I do best on a schedule… but I’m not really sticking to a schedule and there is that “fleetiness” again. In December, I’ll start making some baby steps on next year’s resolutions – setting up some better habits and thinking about what it important to accomplish for next year. I feel deeply that 2016 will be another intense year of big changes, and I need to do my best at being prepared to mentally handle what’s to come.

Weekly Therapy: Is dissatisfaction the direct opposite of satisfaction?

- Mel

the week:
I’m done with this heat and humidity and feeling as though my eyeballs are sweating every time I go outside (and even knowing wtf a dew point is, but know every day that it’s terrible). I miss laying out in my hammock a lot. The cover hasn’t been off the thing since early June when my sister and niece visited. Gross.

weekend:
It’s FURRIES WEEKEND — and probably one of my favorite weekends in Pittsburgh! This year, Anthrocon is doing its annual parade outside for the public on Saturday afternoon, and I intend to be there. I’ll also be gathering with some friends on Friday for Happy Hour to help welcome them into town.

Saturday night is the Deutschtown Music Festival, and I’ll be bar-hopping a little that evening as well. Sunday, I’ve got a long run (7 miles) on the schedule and MUCHO homeworko. Or something.

52 books in 52 weeks:
In the middle of a couple books, but didn’t finish anything this week.

seven things, seven days:
1. Started my week off with a 90-minute massage — with someone new and also a man, which is beside the point — I’ve been having difficulty with my usual therapist’s schedule fitting mine, so I might have a new go-to because I feel amazing. (And I’m not waiting two months to go back again.)
2. My friends (who we traveled to Costa Rica with two years ago) sent me some coffee straight from Guatemala and I just want to hoard it. SO DELICIOUS.
3. Blood work this week to check on how my Vitamin D levels (and everything else) are doing. Having a late morning appointment when having to fast is something awful. And then I almost passed out on the nurse. :-/
4. …and the results are already in by the publishing of this post: I’m now back on prescription D. Again. UGH.
5. How do you find time for more reflection every week? Asking for a friend.
6. This post from Ash Ambirge STOPPED. ME. IN. MY. TRACKS. I can’t get her/this post out of my head. Kick in the ass needed. {via the middle finger project}
7. Speaking of which, Yes & Yes also has an amazing post about change. This one resonated with me so much, especially with recent events of which I’ve vague-posted. {h/t to Nicole at Life Less Bullshit for emailing out this article}

Every 30-something needs… a new identity.

- Mel

For the last year and a half, I’ve been juggling a job, school full-time — and for a long duration of that, playing roller derby, which often felt like another part-time job. For most of last year, I was burned out and stressed out and any other down-and-out emotion you could tack on. My relationship was a wreck. I was a wreck. My poor house was a wreck. I started to come to peace with having to give something up. If I can be completely frank, I don’t have to work, but I choose to because it gives me purpose and makes me feel more like a partner in a household rather than… well, I don’t know what the opposite of that is. Plus, my own money dot com like a responsible 30-something. School is my future self, and I’ve been working too hard and too long to go back now. I initially gave up my volunteering role, which I miss immensely.

Derby was the final decision. It’s something that I struggled to come to terms with — that loss of identity from playing a sport that I’d participated in for 4.5 years. The irony is, once I made the decision to retire, I found a much more whole and authentic identity that has made me happier than I ever imagined.

That’s weird, right?

IDENTITY was my word for 2015, as I faced a lot of my fears about change and leaving behind an old me that didn’t fit any longer. I ended January with a new job, loss of a job in which I was employed for three years (but that was making me miserable), a retirement from a sport that I loved to play (but hated the drama that came along with it), and a calm and “free time” that I had all but forgotten about.

After attending a home game this past weekend, I miss the sport and (most) people a lot, but I have residual damage. Derby opened up the opportunity to embrace my authentic self, and at the same time, made me feel more unsettled about who I was. Who I AM is taking some time to recognize. I’m getting there.

Maybe some day I’ll get to that point of lacing my skates back up again. But does that mean going back to a part of me that doesn’t exist anymore? Is that the opposite of progress — or the celebration of it?

Knowing Your 30-something Style

- Mel

Today’s Blogger, May I? prompt: Describe Your Style.

If I could sum up my clothing style in one word, it would be: comfort. Now, I’m not always running around in yoga pants or pajamas (although I did that quite often in my freelancing days), but if something doesn’t fit or sit right on my body I feel really uncomfortable.

But if we’re completely honest, I do feel most comfortable and powerful in my workout clothes.

I tend to err on the side of classic; trendy things generally make me feel out of place. I mean, I’ll try some hot pink lipstick when I’m feeling like making a stylish entrance and having some fun with fashion. I like to dress up for events, but most times it leaves me feeling exposed and anxious — quite the opposite of comfort. Oh, speaking of comfort, this 30-something is basically all flats, all the time now. I love colors. I love prints. Most times I have zero clue how to put them together. I experience decision fatigue on a nearly daily basis, and Pinterest helps me get out the door looking somewhat-presentable. Otherwise, I’ll buy entire outfits because I know they’re pieces that work well together.

I think most importantly: I know what looks good on my body shape, I’ve had my colors done (I’m a Winter!), and as I’ve mentioned in another post this month, I have a great tailor to make sure things FIT properly.

The past is passed… but it still haunts us.

- Mel

I’m going to deviate a bit from today’s Blogger, May I? prompt of “This Time Last Year…” since there was something truly life-changing that happened to me two years ago this week.

I had MOHs surgery to remove skin cancer from my face.

Recently, a friend shared a story via Facebook about another girl who posted pictures of her skin cancer treatments online to promote “healthier” tanning habits in young women. I’m here to do the same thing. I actively blogged about this two years ago because it was traumatic. Two years ago, not only did I find out a flat, colorless, shiny spot on my face was skin cancer, but lost my two grandparents within three months of one another. A Basal Cell Carcinoma diagnosis happened in the middle of that. I endured another year of deep depression, only finding my way back to happiness a few months ago.

I was only 36-years-old then. Still, my dermatologist EVERY SINGLE VISIT tells me that I’m too young. It remains extremely difficult to hear that and know, for the most part, IT WAS PREVENTABLE. Every year around my birthday now I have to do a screening. Last week I had another biopsy, which thankfully was benign. But those old feelings still creep up. I still have the scars, both emotionally and physically. While my dermatologist compliments the surgeons for how well they stitched my face back up, I still have to look at it every day and be reminded of my ignorance.

You can't see it, but I can.
You can’t see it, but I can.

I’d be remiss to not mention its impact financially. While my screening appointments are covered, insurance does not pay for biopsies — each year I have at least one and each costs me about $250. The MOHs surgery cost SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS. All of which had to be paid up-front, out-of-pocket. I was horribly and visibly bruised for several days, which meant not being able to go to work either (and meant unpaid personal days). And because I am admittedly vain about my face, I will also (soon) pay a couple hundred dollars to remove broken blood vessels that resulted from the surgery. Some people pay more for plastic surgery, so, yes, I know that I am “lucky” in that regard.

In any event, I will pontificate and remind you that getting an annual skin cancer screening — especially if you are fair skinned, sunburn easily or often, have a lot of moles or freckles — IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. That link, by the way, will take you to the Skin Cancer Foundation’s website, which has a lot of helpful information about the different types of skin cancer, how to detect and/or the warning signs, and how or where to get screened.

And don’t forget the sunscreen.

A 30-something and the Story Behind Her Blog Name

- Mel

Today’s post is The Story Behind My Blog Name, prompted by Blogger, May I?

O U R   E S C A P E

I’ve been able to call myself a blogger for over a decade. My first blog, dedicated to my single life and dating stories, was what some would call “popular” but for obvious reasons became dull and unexciting to readers when I got serious with my (still) boyfriend. As much as I tried to liven things up over there, I was growing further away from its initial fun and MISS INDEPENDENT purpose. Oh, see yesterday’s post to understand a little of why I pressed DELETE on that blog without remorse. In one word, it was an embarrassment.

In any event, I started this blog (on Tumblr, gross) as a vehicle for promoting a client’s designer jewelry e-commerce site (if you see any super early fashion posts, I’m wearing a lot of the pieces). What has developed from there (once I adopted the site as my own) are perspectives from a 30-something navigating her way through a psychology undergrad program, life and body changes, and the effects on well-being.

I always intended for this to be a place where 30-somethings commiserate about all the things that women don’t tell you about getting older… until you’re actually older. And while I do that a bit from my point of view, I’d really like to see that to fruition in the next couple years from different voices. Naturally, I got sidetracked by schoolwork and my new-found love of running recently, but I’m looking forward to reinvigorating this space to be for all 30-somethings to come together and talk about body changes, lifestyle changes, hormones, pre- or peri-menopause (seriously) and those thick black hairs that start growing out of your chin.

Never Have I Ever…

- Mel

I always lost this game. And by lost, I mean, got drunk first. It seemed in the days where a drinking game like “Never Have I Ever” was played, I was a little more carefree and took great pride in my stories. This too proper, classy portrayal of an aging lady who writes this now has a past where she played games like “Never Have I Ever”… and sometimes drunk twister. And yes, there was also strip poker on a couple of occasions (err, once in high school). I also created a kissing game in elementary school with the die from a Scattegories game (yes, I was very unsupervised as a minor). But that’s what I used to consider “winning.”

And I try SO HARD to remember who that person was. It doesn’t feel like me.

I wonder, as I’m ticking off another year on the 30-something calendar this week, if I’ve become SO uptight that I’m unable to have real fun. In effort to shed some perceptions of me as a Party Girl, I’ve gone so far to the other side that even I think I’m boring. Is this part of aging, in general, where we wistfully remember “the good old days” of our youth and have fond stories to embarrass your future children? And what if you don’t have children — who do you tell, the neighbors?

I had a pretty bad quarter-year crisis; I’m wondering if I should expect another one before I turn 40. A few months ago, I attended a local event hosted by a life coach, and all my self-analysis during her session led me to write in my notebook the words: HAVE MORE FUN.

My mid-year assessment says “no, I’m not having more fun.” For purposes of perfect metaphors, I’m running away from all of my problems. And if there’s anything that I fear more than getting older, it’s getting complacent.

This post is part of Blogger, May I? — and its 30 days of prompts.

Weekly Therapy: picking up where I left off

- Mel

the week:
RECOVERY is the word of the week. After skating 4 games in 3 days and driving 8+ hours to/from Evansville, Indiana, with 1 (revenge) win and 3 losses, an elbow to the nose and a trip to the ER, my body and mind is ready for a mini break. Alas… feeling conflicted about the end of the season.

weekend:
My favorite event in the Cultural District: Gallery Crawl! This one also features the Night Market again, which has been a popular feature of the quarterly gathering. It’s also date night, which… we need right now.

Also: here’s hoping I can actually finish my Statistics homework this weekend. I’m taking MUCH longer than the estimated time for these assignments, and basically burned out last week — unable to take the weekly quiz. Really hoping to make up the score too, but I feel like nothing is possible right now. SIGH.

seven things, seven days:
1. Went to my first Happiness Conspiracy meet-up, and it was so wonderful to meet new women who are doing amazing things in Pittsburgh. We also did something creative called black-out poetry, and I’m kind of obsessed with it!
2. Hahahahahahahahahah I signed up for my first 15K. In November. I’m so dumb. But, hot chocolate and peer pressure wins. And no, that 1 in front of the 5 was not a mistake… Probably.
3. Got all new bloodwork to see where my Vitamin D levels are. It was really good to hear confirmation from my doctor that I was making good diet decisions. Now, let’s hope my results agree.
4. Kinda-sorta-hadda start over on my diet restrictions, since I cheated with sugar during my tournament travels (baby needs her sport beans).
5. OMG you guys, I’m only 5’3″! My entire life being a 5’4″ woman is a lie. But at least I’m now officially petite?
6. I love Kate and her blog. Now that she’s in the 30 Club, I wanted to show off her recent post about cultivating personal style as a “jazzy old woman.”
7. What’s the #1 thing that prevents you from changing your habits? Summer Tomato with another wonderful post about limiting beliefs.

If I were 22…

- Mel

This post encouraged by the hashtag: #ifiwere22

Oh man, 22. TWENTY TWO. Seems like a lifetime from my current age. I lived my life and took it by the balls when I was 22, and almost poetically, lived a life consumed by balls. I basically had zero focus, motivation, or seriousness — unless you count All The Fun and All The Mens at my disposal as a task of 20-something goals. And dispose I did. Life was a party, and I was the life of every one. Sure, I enjoyed that lifestyle at the time because I lived by my own rules, but there were detriments to being the non-stop cruise director of Fun: excessive partying, drinking, smoking… tanning. Carrying more about dating and being pretty than finishing my degree. (Ugh.)

I was far from ready to be an adult.

To be blunt: my 37-year-old self wants to go back and kick my 22-year-old self’s ass.

There are times that I reflect on how different my life could have gone — I could have gone done some darker, scarier roads. Somehow I cleaned myself up after falling in the ditch… over and over and over again. But I’m here. Living it up at 37. Completely different than who I was when I was living 22. The Party Girl.

The responsibilities shift. The priorities realign. And you find a better self. (And hope that others see it too.) I surely still have work to do, despite my “apologizing” for a life time of mistakes in my 20s.

Regrets? Yep. I have a LOT of regrets. And mistakes. And fuck-ups (pardon). I’m not denying that there is an obvious connection of who I was to who I am. The important takeaway here is that people can change — for the worse or for the better — and only if they want to. And I’m ever grateful for those along the way who helped me towards the latter. The perceptions of YOU in your 20s might very well remain in your 30s. Know that reputations are hard to shrug. That process will take time, but change for YOURSELF (and get rid of the toxic people who don’t appreciate your new life).

I’m living 30-something proof that sometimes maturity and accountability comes a little late. And that’s OK. It’s also OK if you don’t want those things, FWIW.

If I were 22? No thanks. Wouldn’t go back there for a second.