feelings

Every 30-something needs… to vent.

- Mel

So, after leaving a comment on a fellow blogger’s recent post about “finding yourself,” I felt like maybe I should vent. Here.

My comment:

I went through a lot of this “finding myself” crap in my 20s, including moving across the country (mostly, to escape a lot of thing) and living my life how I thought I should be living it… but in the eyes of others — writing about all my mistakes and turmoil via a decade-long blog that was most definitely written to sound like my life was awesome, regardless of all the buillshit.

I had my shit together for a little while, but here I am, at 36, having a breakdown on a daily basis trying to figure out how the hell did I get here? I feel like I have zero direction in life and so many things I still want to do — with too many rough patches (they feel extended now, for some reason) for one person. I feel more a “messy, terrified cog” at this point in my 30s, then I did in my 20s. Maybe because I felt like those things are supposed to happen in your 20s. (??)

By 36, I should have my life together, right? *sigh* I don’t know if that helps one bit, but I guess I find some solace to commiserate in numbers.

What do you do when passion wanes for one thing — something you used to love and feel changed by… changes? Leave it, and find something else? Rediscover (somehow) the passion?

Naturally, I am inclined to go about the discovery route, but what if I’m wrong? This is about relationships, but not romantic relationships… or maybe not really about relationships at all. Although I’m sure it could be. I don’t know why there is still a sense of “needing to belong” or a “sense of purpose” for women in their 30s, but… it’s there. Just being is no way to live, it seems — especially, when alone. I mean, do I really need a job or a degree to define me? It seems, yes, especially if you need funds to cultivate passions and friendships. And don’t want to get those looks from strangers when you tell them you only work part-time in a zoo. A stranger’s rejection hurts as much as romantic rejection. And then there is this “grass is always greener” façade — that you don’t know if this would happen here or there, or under different circumstances or places. Or, people. But it feels like it would be different because no one is showing you otherwise. My situation isn’t necessary about being overtly snubbed, but rather ignored.

I feel like an outsider.

So many damn feelings, and yet, so much life hanging in the balance. Or, is it “in the valance”? And yes, this is incredibly and intentionally vague because… well, life is complicated.

More reading:
Sense of Belonging Increases Meaningfulness of Life {from PsyBlog}

5 Reasons You’re Feeling More Emotional Lately – stress, natch. {via PsychCentral}

This article, about social rejection and the brain dealing with that kind of pain, might be of interest too. {also from PsyBlog}

Life’s Littlest Annoyances

- Mel

Are there certain little things in life that just… ANNOY THE EVER-LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU?

I have — well, had — two:
1. The cheap ass Mr. Coffee coffee maker that dripped EVERYWHERE when filling up the basin and during the brew process.
2. The silverware drawer organizer that had moveable parts and knives and spoons would slip underneath partitions… and get stuck.

These two things have been on my annoyance and Must Replace lists for quite some time… because, well, see the first line of this post. It kind of reminds me of relationships: you love everything about something (err, someone in this analogy) and then one day, all the little quirks make you recoil in disgust. That coffee pot had an amazing stainless carafe that held the perfect two-cup amount. That drawer organizer was easy to clean because of its removable pieces. Then one day, everything changed.

Look, sometimes life’s little annoyances are just that: little. Usually that feeling dissipates. If something so minute bothers to an extent of rage, however, it’s sometimes masking something MUCH larger (perhaps you need more sleep, Mel, or your boyfriend REALLY needs to fix that dripping faucet). But let’s be honest, a LOT of times, these events can multiply beyond the boiling point — building up to an eventual epic meltdown that you can no longer ignore. Day-after-day-after-day of being frustrated, the annoyed feelings transitions to anger. And then you break up. The end! Maybe that’s me and my tolerance for frustrating life moments (like, waiting for people who are habitually late… or, traffic). I’m terrible at managing or channeling that irritable energy. If you flare up just at the thought of walking into the kitchen maybe you need a coping strategy.

How to restore the calm:

Option 1: Accept the triggers; just don’t ignore the triggers. The latter will just come back with a vengeance. Either figure out how to cope with the annoyance, take a time out, or learn how to increase your tolerance of the situation.

Option 2: If Step 1 doesn’t work, remove the triggers or remove yourself from the hostile situations. Like how much did I have to deal with these annoyances? I’m a daily coffee drinker, and I eat at some point in my home every day. So I was attempting to cope every. single. day. Therefore getting frustrated every. single. day. I had to change the situation (which, in this case meant purchasing new items for my kitchen).

Option 3: Kick something. Kidding. Sort of. Physical activity is a known stress release — use its advantages on days when you’re feeling a spike of irritation in one-off events. As for other types of negative coping skills, like causing harm to yourself or others, these not only do NOT solve the problem, but creates additional problems. Don’t do that.

Group Therapy: Tell me your biggest annoyance in the comments and how you deal with the situation.