Subtitled: That time I talked to my Dead Nana — or: How not to make a race playlist.

This post is a long time coming. I ran the GOATz 50k trail run in October 2017 (GOATz = Greater Omaha Area Trail runnerZ) and I still have a strong emotional reaction to my memories of the race. I guess if we’re going for spoiler alerts (ha, TOO LATE if you follow me on Instagram or are one of my running friends), I finished. I also completed it in an hour-and-a-half longer than I estimated. So there’s that. Since it was my first ultramarathon I wasn’t sure what to expect (suffice to say is to expect nothing and everything), but I thought I was better trained to at least finish a marathon distance before I hit the struggle bus.

No. No, that is not at all what happened. Completing two loops was itself a feat – AND I STILL HAD ONE MORE TO GO. So, I continued. But let’s back up…

Lots of open sun and beautiful skies, which you will see as a common backdrop to the pictures. The morning started off chilly, which called for arm sleeves worn with my short-sleeve short. (I wore shorts and my LEGEND compression socks on the bottom and my Under Armour trail shoes). I didn’t get too warm until the 3rd loop.

Is it a bad omen for a race that not even a mile into it that WE MISSED OUR TURN. I understand shit happens on race day and we’re ultimately responsible for knowing the course, but a Volunteer standing at that intersection clapped and cheered as we passed by where she was supposed to direct us up the hill. I mistakingly followed the herd until reaching a clearing where everyone was stopped trying to figure out where we went next. We retraced our steps back to where we missed the turn. Nobody who is already running 30 miles needs to run EVEN MORE. So I was already a little irritated early on not knowing how far off course we went. (I ended up logging 31.37 miles for this 50k per my Garmin, so overall not really that far off.)

Physically, I held up for the race and was mostly fatigued. But by the 3rd loop my calf was cramping (can’t remember which one now), then I was getting a Charlie horse in my arch (left side). I was feeling a lot of discomfort in my hip area and top of thighs — it wasn’t pain; it kind of felt like menstrual cramps but definitely not where my uterus is. Sooooo, cramping I guess? Needless to say, I was barely running on the 3rd loop – it was more like a death shuffle.

There were moments were I got a “second wind” (and a third, fourth, etc…. so many winds). Around mile 17, Kaci Lickteig looped me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ — though it was a boost to my spirit! She’s so dang stealthy, and I was listening to my music at the time, but it’s like I could FEEL her coming up behind me. And just as quickly as I could pay myself a deprecating compliment in her honor, she cheered me on and was gone.

I was having difficulty eating during this race and my usual fueling wasn’t working. This was something that I feared and probably something I should have practice more in hindsight. What worked for me on the marathon distance did not for this race. I couldn’t eat anything at the end of that 2nd loop — I tried pickles with salt and pickle juice at the aid stations; then I swapped to Tailwind in my hydration flask just for the calories (no stomach upset, thankfully; just couldn’t… chew). At the mid-loop aid station, around Mile 25, I finally had some jelly beans and felt little better. I dreamed about sitting down for majority of that second lap. And sit I did when I reached that aid station. For at least 5 minutes. And then I continued on. But not without considering drowning myself in swimming across Lake Cunningham. There was one aid station on the course and then the usual stock of snacks and drank at the start/end of each loop. I think it was manned by volunteers from Runner’s Church (?), if I recall correctly, and those ladies were the best at keeping the mood cheery and the food filled. Before their stop, there was a single kybo – which I had to use on my 1st loop (so random; I almost never have to use the toilets during a race). The background ambiance was set by vuvuzela noises. I liked the variety of food options since I was having trouble eating and wasn’t sure what I could eat as the race progressed.

I remember being super annoyed with my hydration vest (I ran in my Orange Mud Phone.Flask.Vest) and by the 3rd loop, it was basically just flopping off of me, hanging on by my shoulders. I no longer liked the compression on my chest and the side straps were aggravating me. I would definitely run in a different vest for my next trail or ultra race.

Another mistake that I made during this race was to leave my music playlist up for chance. I shuffled ALL MUSIC and was initially pleased at the variety (singing out loud and having fun like I usually do). And then Mary J. Blige came on, and I started crying a bit. The next song? “Fix You” by Coldplay. I fucking lost it. I was a crying sobbing MESS.

I mean, seriously guys, these lyrics:

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
‘Cause you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
What could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
But high up above or down below
When you are too in love to let it show
Oh but if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
oh and tears come streaming down your face
And I
Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes
oh and the tears streaming down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

“If you never try you’ll never know just what you’re worth”
Inspiring, no. No no no no this is not what you should be hearing while you are attempting to do one of the hardest things in your life which is so obviously tied to your worth and identity. *sobs again*

And then because I was sad, I started thinking about all the other things that made me sad. This routed my thoughts somehow to my grandmother who passed away a few years ago and I guess I was kind of talking to her about my race and how I was feeling and how I missed her and OMG THIS WAS SO HARD. So very, very hard. One could say that I still had some open wound that I healed during that race.

From talking to some of my ultra-running friends, these variations in mood come with the terrority – particularly when it’s your first and you are so fatigued you just don’t know what to do or feel.

My solution at the time? Get angry. Yin-yang. And then there was that time that I thought this couple out walking the course (non-runners) were there to kidnap me and I went into a really weird flight-or-fight response.

So then I started fantasizing about punching Deadpool. This might sound a little weird, but there was a volunteer actually dressed as Deadpool and I knew where he would be sitting on my last loop, so I started hashing a plan to beat him up when I passed. Totally normal. Until he wasn’t there and I was filled with the most unholy of run rage that I have ever experienced. I think it was another 3 miles (?) of running so mad that I wanted to throw gravel rocks.

THE RAGE.

All that said, Lake Cunningham is a beautiful place to run around (maybe a bit too open sun for this sort of distance though). The weather was amazing, and there were small sailboats on the water, which was neat. My favorite part was what I called the Magical Christmas Trees section of the trail – it was so pretty and peaceful! There were plenty of hills to run on this course, many of which I walked, but none so crazy as running over at Hitchcock.

And I shit you not, as I was approaching the finish line, Bob-fucking-Seger was playing. My favorite song at that: Roll Me Away. I could not believe it (and I’m pretty sure I yelled-asked someone near the finish line if it was really playing because it wouldn’t be the first time that day that I was hallucinating). Naturally, I started scream-singing as the race director placed that finishers medal around my neck.

My friends all talked me into signing up for this race because: a) the GOATz put on awesome races (figured this out early on with my Hitchcock experience) and b) this was a beginner-friendly course. The GOATz community knows how to party! And their race support and pre-race communication was top-notch. Love the GOATz. For this race, finishers get an awesome medal carved from wood, a race branded drop bag and a super cozy long-sleeved hoodie (bag and hoodie not pictured). The bag came in handy at the loop start/end point, but many racers also used the same bag so it’s important to distinguish your bag in some way from the others. I liked the convenience of being able to grab or stow something in my bag when I came in to finish a loop.

Besides having enough energy to sing at the finish, I was pretty depleted energy-wise. I was kind of limping back to the car (thankfully, the husband was driving the hour-and-a-half trek home) — my feet and hips HURT when I was done. Also, my two big toenails had this weird yellowy bloody viscous liquid covering them as I took off my socks, but no visible cuts or active bleeding, and I never had any bruised toenails. Weird. By the time I got home, I had to crawl upstairs to the shower (where I sat on my shower bench lol). I took PTO the day following the race (thank Baby Jesus that was a good choice) and used the elevators at work when I returned a day later. Three days after the race I was back to climbing four flights to my office. I was pleased at my recovery, and I was fine by Saturday to run a 10k trail race. When I said this was my 1st ultra experience and despite some of my low points and frustration with how I performed, I’m definitely training for another (planning on Doggone Tired 50k in October, pending my Achilles recovery continues to improve).

OFFICIAL RESULTS
Finish time: 7:28:41
Overall place: 98
Gender Place: 43

Registration is already open for the GOATz Trail Runs occurring on October 21, 2018 — there are 5m, 10.5m, 21m, and 50k options for this particular race series.