credit cards have no place in birthday cards

Sunday Lately: Week 51

- Mel

I’m using this week’s Sunday Lately themes from Wild & Wanderful to prompt today’s post: Planning, Loving, Reading (which works in Sunday’s Bibliotherapy), Wishing, and Feeling.

Planning: A few months ago, I purchased a spark notebook, and after my run today I plan to start drawing out 2016’s calendar and filling in January’s space with some goals and resolutions and stuff.

Loving: While I know that we won’t have snow for Christmas, it was really fun to have a little accumulation this weekend. I think it helped immensely to get me in the spirit of the holidays.

Reading: {for this one, I just opened up to a random page and posted the first thing that I read}

Regret obviously plays a very big role in all our decisions, but how does choice, particularly an overabundance of choice, affect regret? We have seen that two of the factors affecting regret are 1) Personal responsibility for the result 2) How easily an individual can imagine a counterfactual better alternative. — from The Paradox of Choice

Wishing: Christmas is this week (!!!), so I wish you a Merry Christmas. 🙂

Feeling: I’m feeling pretty proud about making a final $240 payment to pay off one of my credit cards before Christmas. I have been chipping away extra payments each month to get down balances on three of my cards before an additional student loan payment comes due in early February. Two have zero balances now (and I canceled a card that wouldn’t remove the annual $60 fee; a card that I’ve had since my mid-20s), and the third I should be able to pay in full by the end of January.

Every 30-something needs… a reminder on her birthday.

- Mel

happy birthday lollipop where did you come from

Of how far you’ve come.

Of where you’re going.

Of all the bullshit you’ve endured already in this life. Nay, this year.

That this, too, will somehow pass. No matter the shattering of hearts and testing of resilience.

That friends are really important.

That family is even more so.

That age is just a number. Like a street address or a phone number on caller ID reminding you of your past.

Of where you were this time last year.

Of how you didn’t know what a difference a year would make.

Of where you are now. Now might not be so good… but it will be better. It’s always better.

And that next year you’ll be another year older and there will be more imbalances with your hormones, so just. stop. stressing.

No. No more birthdays. Please.

- Mel

It’s less than two weeks away from my 36th birthday, and I’m having another identity crisis. It’s like a one-part identity crisis and one-part hormonal meltdown really.

I don’t swear (here) too often, but… HOW THE FUCK AM I TURNING 36?!

Working my way from 35 to 36 hasn’t been too tragic. You know, “Meh. Another birthday.” once I finally got over the last one. I mean, you want a tragedy, you should have been around me when I was approaching 35. Woof. But the closer my next birthday gets, the more I am absolutely. freaking. out. Again. Me, the person who used to LOVE birthdays so much that she celebrated for an entire month.

I’m questioning everything in my life: past choices that I can’t even change if I wanted to (a to-do list of life redos, if you will), relationship ghosts and friends who suck (from a wtf happened kind of perspective), why I can’t find work (am I unmotivated, unexperienced or uneducated?)… sexuality stuff (typical day-in-the-life of a 30-something female with raging hormones). Why I spent so much on my credit card last year to make myself feel better about turning 35? Ugh. I’m both reminiscing too much and hoping for too much. EXPECTING too much. Paying too much in interest. Repeat: questioning everything. Which is destroying my psyche and my mojo. I feel off balance and that All of the Things are amiss.

I am pissed at the world because of it. Because of getting another year older. Or because I feel like my life is unraveling right now because of being older. Fuck. I don’t like being angry. But I’m angry.

To say I need therapy is an understatement.