Mood Enhancers

what’s bringing me joy this week

- Mel

(yes, I love the podcast Pop Culture Happy Hour)

Also, I love this article: Our Very Correct Food Opinions {via Serious Eats}

Having Unpopular Opinions is very popular right now (yes, The Beatles are a shitty band). Remember when I posted about how the internet was flooded with this “DO EVERYTHING THE END OF THE DECADE COMETH” as we approached 2020? This exact thing is happening again with the “YOU MUST HAVE CREATED THE NEXT BIG THING” during the quarantined-isolated nature of this pandemic era. I am firmly on Team Fuck That.

But seriously, FUCK THAT.

In other more joyous news: Our other house is finally sold! I can now run free in the land of one mortgage. Hahahahaha just kidding. I can’t pay for anything because I am still a broke graduate student with over $100k in loans trying to finish the last of her thesis and contact hours amidst a FUCKING PANDEMIC and who has been indefinitely furloughed from even the very meager earnings of her part-time job.

Midwest Nice and Living in Suburbia (aka: Midwest is Best)

- Mel 6 Comments

If you can call Cleveland the Midwest, then I am from the Midwest. I always thought “The Cleve” felt different than the actual Midwest (where I’m living now) — like some amalgam of the casualness of the mid-States with the constant grumpiness of the East Coast. Pittsburgh wasn’t quite the East Coast and definitely not the Midwest. Cleveland should, for real, be its own region — like Pittsburgh: as they call it, simply, The Rust Belt. But I digress…

So, I’m in what one would actually call the Midwest, and I can honestly feel my mood shift to a different place. Everyone is so freaking nice — which has a LOT to do with it. So, I want to be overly nice, too. And more patient. More relaxed. Seriously, it’s the very form of peace I’ve been searching for, for quite a while. Something that the noise of the city and anxiety of its respective lifestyle overwhelmed and drowned out constantly.

I live in the suburbs now, which is also where I am from. Not this actual metro area, of course, but the suburban home in a suburban neighborhood. Granted, I came from a lower middle class upbringing in the suburbs, but a suburb is a suburb is a suburb. We lived in downtown Cleveland for a year+ before relocating to Pittsburgh, where we lived downtown as well for a year+ before purchasing a house on the north side — one mile from the Golden Triangle. We had a few major and immediate lifestyle changes in moving from an urban neighborhood to a suburb, mainly in adding a second car (and its associated costs) to our household budget and not walking everywhere (though my development is quite walker-friendly!). In fact, I’m so suburban now that we have our first Costco membership. And that suburbia privilege was promptly taken away when we threw out the receipt before exiting with our shopping cart full of things. Luckily, EVERYONE IS SO NICE that we were able to wait for a reprint of our order to leave and not be left inside Costco for eternity.

Patient people are everywhere here. Patient people are nice and friendlier than friendly — and willing to help you with anything. I’ve had people who we’ve met once reach out to connect again and make sure that we have a social circle (and quality drinking time). My neighborhood is also surrounded by farmlands, so this is a very different suburbia than what I was raised in. It must add to the charming character of Iowa. And yes, perhaps I could have found something resembling the cozy, quiet lifestyle in suburbia of Pittsburgh (sans farmland). Here is different. Trust. If you’re from the Midwest, then you just KNOW.

Is it my frame of mind? Is it the actual place? Not sure yet. But my head and heart says that I’m much happier than I’ve been in some time.

Sunday Bibliotherapy: From a New Book

- Mel

“Perfectionism is the fear of making mistakes. There are two sides to perfectionism. At its best, it is motivating and inspires you to set high goals for yourself. But it can also get out of control. Perfectionists can turn into workaholics because their efforts never feel good enough. They engage in all-or-nothing thinking about their performance — if it isn’t perfect, it’s horrible. They give up easily. They procrastinate on their goals, waiting for inspiration to strike or the timing to feel right. They avoid social situations if they aren’t feeling “on.” They organize their lives around avoiding mistakes and end up missing wonderful opportunities.”

— from My Year with Eleanor

Biggest Changes of 2015

- Mel

At the beginning of the year, I got a new job which meant leaving the non-profit that I worked at for almost three years. It also meant leaving roller derby. That last one is important because I recently made the decision to go back and will be trying out for travel teams again in January.

I left for a few reasons, most of which for feeling burned out and least of which… well, I wanted to do something new with my life. I struggled with my sense of identity probably the most. In deciding to go back, I had to be very reflective about my experiences and incredibly honest with my expectations of returning. Not skating for 10 months will change your skill level, but seemingly my endurance is OK. I certainly was no slug for the last year, so I still maintained a great level of fitness. But I have some things to work on, and I’m actually excited for some of those new challenges.

Changing jobs was probably obvious to most given the nature of my previous work, and to be honest was sort of a surprise given how long I had been looking for something new and couldn’t GET something new. I *LOVED* my former organization and my coworkers though (and, naturally, the animals), and I’m certain to be fond of my new organization in time as well. But the new job has also been a continuous adjustment with many organizational changes that came along with a new CEO (I have a new office, new boss and new title, for starters, since I started a year ago). I feel maladjusted more than I should be adjusted. But, eh, we all change jobs and roles with an uncommon (but common) regularity.

In a flit of madness, I not only signed up for a marathon (before finishing my first half), I ACTUALLY RAN ONE. That part of my journey this year was so fulfilling. And I sincerely look forward to pushing those boundaries some more in 2016.

In any event, when I think of change for change’s sake, I get very small. I do not do well with change. I prefer order and schedules and patterns (and a heads up, for chrissakes!) and all of their inherent expectations. I need routine. I CRAVE routine. But every once in a while I feel like blowing shit up — as in, uprooting everything that I know to break up the stagnation and complacency. Like, selling everything that I own (save for my car) and driving across country to live in Phoenix for a while, as I did in 2004. Or, pressing delete on a blog that I published to for over 10 years.

I’m starting to feel that kind of itchy need again. And there’s a good chance that might happen soon after the new year.

Holiday hate: A lesson in loving Christmas

- Mel

I’m sure most of you can commiserate with me about the Holiday Struggle. I find it really difficult to take time for myself (and my partner… and my cats) without an immense overload of guilt and obligation.

IMG_2110 Holidays have always been a super stressful and dreaded time of year for me. I’m an introvert and large gatherings of people (yes, even family) and fussy or spontaneous things really tire me out and add to my stress level. But the (inevitable) guilt trip of not being ALL OF THE THINGS TO ALL OF THE PEOPLE that transpired since I became an adult has associated holiday celebrations with even more anxiety and, sadly, some apathy. That often adds to my feeling largely misunderstood — that my needs are always pushed to the side. That that’s what you’re “supposed” to do, in the name of the Holy Spirit and all that other stuff that I forgot from Midnight Mass. And it’s all my fault, right?

I truly hated Christmas for a long time. Capital H, Hate. My past Christmases included a lot of guilt trips and name-calling (bullying, even) and driving all over Northeast Ohio, tirelessly expecting to stop at multiple locations in the matter of a few hours. And there’s usually some weather to deal with. If I visit one family member (or side) and not the other, there is so. much. snarking. If I consider going away for a holiday (to really get away from all the stress) or not going away at all, there is even harsher commentary. All second-hand, of course, because that’s the family way. There’s rarely any lead time to actually set plans so that we can make sure to see everyone, and a part of me feels guilty for not making a better effort and, the other, angry for being so rigid. It upsets me every year. EVERY YEAR. It’s something that I should have accepted by now, right? But I still bubble with rage when it’s not until the day before and someone confirms with “are you coming home for Christmas?”

There was a chance to “start over” and celebrate the holidays in my (our) own way a couple years ago. I just wanted to wake up in my own bed, in my own house, and celebrate something OURS. Small. US, covered in cat hair. It worked. That little step helped me get back into the spirit and deal with all the spontaneity of the day itself. My boyfriend senses the start of my struggle though (this is why he decorates when I’m away) and does really well in diffusing situations before I explode or when I just really want to drink some eggnog and eat a breakfast of marshmallows and wear some flannel pajamas (for 20 hours or longer). And this time of year, it is — HE IS — something for which I am SO grateful.

Highmark’s December e-newsletter listed some suggestions from Mental Health America on how to cope this holiday and not dread this time of year:

  • Keep your expectations in check. Select only the events that are most important to you, and organize your time and pace yourself. Don’t expect everything to go perfectly.
  • Be realistic about what you can do. The holidays aren’t just about one day, so don’t try to do too much at one time. Spread out events for more fun and less stress.
  • Allow yourself to feel sad or lonely. Allow yourself to have these feelings, but don’t let those emotions overwhelm your day.
  • Look to the future instead of the past. Don’t set yourself up for failure by comparing today to the “good old days.”
  • Do something for someone else.
  • Enjoy simpler, free activities. Take a drive to look at holiday decorations, go window shopping, listen to music or play in the snow.
  • Spend time with caring and supportive people. This may mean you need to reach out and make new friends, or call someone you haven’t heard from in awhile.
  • And don’t forget to save time for yourself. Take a day off, away from the to-do list. It will recharge your batteries. Remember, too, you are allowed to ask for help.

December: 30 days of posts

- Mel

First things first, YES, I know there are 31 days in December — but I only plan to post on 30 of them. Back in May I did a similar post-per-day challenge (November 2012 was the last time that I participated in a 30-days post challenge for NaPoBloMo), and leading up to the New Year, I want to take stock of some of my experiences from this last year — looking at my 2015 goals, looking ahead to 2016 and thinking deeper about where I’ve been and where I’m going.

And maybe a little bit about being grateful on where I am NOT right now.

My posts will cover:
Relationships
Friendships
Fitness/wellness
Education
Work/career
Home life
Extracurricular
Volunteer
And anything else that comes up in the early mornings as I enjoy my first two cups of coffee.

I feel like I’ve been fleeting a bit lately, and I know that I do best on a schedule… but I’m not really sticking to a schedule and there is that “fleetiness” again. In December, I’ll start making some baby steps on next year’s resolutions – setting up some better habits and thinking about what it important to accomplish for next year. I feel deeply that 2016 will be another intense year of big changes, and I need to do my best at being prepared to mentally handle what’s to come.

Macy’s Thanksgiving and Heart of Haiti: Gifts that Give Hope

- Mel

This is my second year participating in a Macy’s holiday Heart of Haiti campaign, and I am grateful for the opportunity to spread the word about this incredible organization again.

On Thanksgiving, we give pause to the upcoming purpose of the holiday season — a time for both giving and giving back. Amid the frenzy of the shopping lists and Black Friday emails, for a moment think about how gift buying can still be in the spirit of the season. Macy’s Heart of Haiti home décor products are gifts that give hope. Just the kind of holiday spirit that we should joyously celebrate.

The country of Haiti is rich in the arts and despite being the poorest country in the Western hemisphere, skilled papier mache artisans are anxious to work and earn a living to support their families. Macy’s Heart of Haiti has been providing economic support to Haitian artisans ever since the devastating earthquake hit over five years ago. Shortly after the earthquake, Macy’s joined forces with the Haitian artisans to develop a decorative product line for sale featuring their beautiful handmade goods.

This video tells the story of how the project started and the difference it is making in the lives of these artists:

The Heart of Haiti line of home décor items is made in the town of Jacmel — a charming, historic port known for its artisan community — by sculptors and artisans who have practiced the handcrafted technique of papier mache for centuries. This seaside town suffered a lot of destruction during the earthquake. Artisan studios and homes were destroyed, and residents were left with no way to make a living. The sales of these handcrafted items at Macy’s allows the artisans to once again practice their craft while feeding their families, sending their children to school and supporting their extended families.

heart of haiti, papier mache, home decor, vase
Macy’s Heart of Haiti vase with pieces from last year’s home decor collection.

Macy’s sent me this beautiful papier mache vase, which artisans created using age-old techniques. The process of making these decorative items starts with forming a mold out of dried mud, then using recycled cement bags. This particular vase features a black & white, wavy lines motif meant to mimic the gentle sea. Click through to watch another Heart of Haiti video, which features the process of making papier mache items for Macy’s.

This season, you can make a conscious decision to spend your dollars. Haiti has an estimated 400,000 artisans who rely solely on their handcrafted goods as a source of income.

30-something approved: Macy’s Heart of Haiti employs 550 artisans, providing economic support to their extended family members and others. The Macy’s Heart of Haiti line is only available at a few Macy’s stores in New York City, Chicago, D.C., San Francisco, Atlanta and a select few others. But all products are available on the Macy’s gifts that give hope page.

(Yes, my mantel decor has changed again!)
(Yes, my mantel decor has changed again!)

Disclaimer: I am a member of the Everywhere Society and Everywhere has gifted me a vase from Macy’s Heart of Haiti collection for this post. The vase retails for $55 and is available exclusively at Macy’s. All thoughts and opinions expressed are my own.

Vino & Vinyasa: Yoga Retreat on the Lake

- Mel

Last weekend I went to my first yoga retreat with South Hills Power Yoga. It was hosted at Lakehouse Inn & Winery in Geneva-on-the-Lake with teachers from the SHPY studio. SHPY was my first yoga “home” in the Burgh, before a studio finally opened up on the north side this year (although I still keep a few sessions loaded up in my account and travel back for special classes). I traveled with a fellow yoga-loving friend, who was also attending her first retreat AND also celebrating her birthday in May. Geneva is an easy 2.5 hour drive from Pittsburgh.

lake erie hotel ohio b&B
The B&B grounds were gorgeous and RIGHT on the lake.

Check-in was late Friday afternoon, and the yoga studio provided each of us with a bag full of goodies upon arrival. Our first two-hour session was soon after check-in with LA Finfinger, former instructor from SHPY who sadly moved away to Baltimore. She embodies a lot of what I love about yoga, and I’ve probably felt more connected to her style because she was my first regular teacher. She oozes warmth and authenticity and has that spiritual connection to the practice that I long to, well, practice. Her practices make me think about much more than just yoga and much more than getting a workout. I feel truly self-aware and present when she teaches. Seriously, her classes are transformative.

The restaurant did a fantastic job in tailoring meals for my (and my friend’s) dietary restrictions, given that food was included in the cost of the retreat. I got to eat gluten-free manicotti for dinner #1 — topped with a pesto sauce and filled with asparagus, spring onions and mushrooms. It was fantastic. And yes, naturally since we were at a winery, we had some wine.

We skipped the “optional” thai massage yoga in the evening, since we planned to wake up early for the lakefront sitting meditation in the morning. Which was incredible. Man, I miss the lake so much.

sunset lake erie ohio beach
Seriously. The BEST sunsets ever.

Saturday we started with the meditation and the day included two additional two-hour sessions on the schedule, with a nice break in the afternoon to explore The Strip. Our morning class was led by LA again, and she’s just so inspirational. She left us each a card at our mats to take with us to continue our practice.

yoga card responsibility
Preach.

GOTL is a weird place if you’ve never been; it’s nostalgic for me, but I’m always disheartened that it couldn’t be so much more because the setting on the lake is just beautiful and makes you feel as if you’re a hundred miles away from home.

tattoo studio geneva ohio
This is where I got my first tattoo at age 16. Yeah, my mom was mad. (I think she still might be.)
GOTL outdoor patios
Outdoor bar on The Strip.

The afternoon class started outside, but as the thunderstorms rolled in, we rolled up our mats and went indoors. This was my first class led by Darcy Lyle and she is adorable — I would definitely attend more of her classes. She has a more playful style and encouraged us to take some chances with advancing our practice. It was in that class that I FINALLY was able to balance for a few breaths in Crow.

big waves lake erie ohio
The lake was angry Sunday morning.

Our Sunday morning class was only an hour-and-a-half, but man was I tired and sweaty. Stacey really focused on powering us through that last session — and I even attempted a float out of crow (I belly-flopped and it was hilarious). Like Darcy, Stacey empowers us through advancing our movements and supports the learning and practicing (and failing) side of yoga with encouragement and laughter. She brings out the fun in yoga, which we all need to balance (pun intended) our practice.

After breakfast, it was time to check out and head back home to Pittsburgh. I totally sold my friend on Madsen donuts, and she grabbed a box to take home with her (just as a line was growing outside). I was fine with a contact high from the delicious smells.

I’m excited to hear about a fall retreat in Cook’s Forest… I might have to add that to my agenda for this year as a graduation present to myself.

10 Things: List of ten posts that I have saved in drafts

- Mel

This post idea came from a Blogger, May I? prompt for List of Ten Things (of 10 Things). Guys, I have three PAGES of drafts in my wordpress dashboard — 51 total unfinished or unpublishable posts.

Some notable randoms as I scroll through — with comments about each added (without even reading the drafts themselves):

Where did I put my glasses? — well isn’t this just the epitome of random. Is this an actual post or should it have been a google search? Either really perplexes me. Perhaps it’s a metaphorical reference to memory complications that start as you get older? Hilariously, this scenario played out in a HomeGoods store just a couple weeks ago when I left my sunglasses somewhere in the store. If you know HomeGoods, you know what a crap-shoot it is to find anything in that place, let alone personal belongings left behind. I found my glasses on a stack of towels in the linens section, by the way.

About Vitamin D — a few years ago, before a diet elimination proved an intolerance or sensitivity to gluten, my Vitamin D levels continued to drop, despite prescription supplements. Because of my previous skin cancer diagnosis, my sun worshipping days were numbered, but I continued in an every-six-months cycle of high dosages of D3 and more blood work to increase by numbers. When both of my D levels fell into single digits, I found myself at the office of a naturopath, trying to find answers to a myriad of troubles. That morning, over a year-and-a-half ago, I hadn’t yet eaten breakfast and have been gluten-free ever since. And six months later, my Vitamin D levels were FINALLY measured in healthy levels.

Have you ever read the symptoms and risks for Vitamin D deficiency? Scary.

Loss of self and reliance on other people — Oof. That’s heavy, right? Before I found this job a few months ago, I was really struggling with feelings of self-worth and the various dependencies that I had on the boyfriend (I mean, he’s basically the reason why I eat a balanced dinner every night and not nachos and cereal). I’m actually really interested in reading this one, given my distance from those feelings and the return of my self-esteem.

Holiday Hate: A lesson in loving Christmas — As a child of divorce, I hate Christmas. In recent years, and with much warmth and thankfulness to my boyfriend and his family, my black heart has grown to love the season. I mean, I already LOVE winter, how can I hate Christmas? Well, that feeling was so deep-seated, and it’s taken me some soul-searching (and some couples therapy) to get past some of my anger and disappointment. I’m sure this post was about why I hated the holidays so much, and how this past Christmas was something really special.

A plan to reduce stress and increase relaxation — I remember exactly what this post was about, and I really need to finish to publish. What started out as a project in one of my Psych courses, actually was a powerful tool for my personal development.

An interview with yourself — What’s ironic is that I’m working on a behavioral 360 assessment/group project in another Psych course… but that’s present tense, so this can’t be it. I have issues with interviewing, specifically with behavioral interviews, and this class has been an eye-opening experience. Hey, maybe it will help me to interview better! Still though, this post… I’m not really sure I like its tone.

My first APA Convention — Oh man, I’m so mad that I didn’t post this, especially as I’ll be soon attending my second APA Convention this summer — and there was SO MUCH good info gleaned from attending. Also, I was selected for a second time to the APA Twitter Team. Randomly, I’ll be connecting with a former high school classmate who is studying in my same field of interest while I’m in Toronto.

Finding Therapy: A Weekend in Nemacolin — This draft is from my birthday LAST YEAR. Again, really disappointed in myself that I didn’t capture and post how amazing (and how necessary) this weekend was. If I could buy a timeshare at Falling Rock, I would basically live there.

Word of the year: Identity — Yep, I have some resolutions for the year, and identity was the word that I pulled out of a lot of goals and intentions. It’s been something on my mind a lot recently, so I’ve got a post (yes, another draft) for next week that talks about this very thing.

Pittsburgh Half Marathon Training: By the Numbers — #weaksauce I didn’t even do a half marathon training wrap-up? Embarrassing mileage or not, I need to get this posted so that I can better assess my plan for my second half and my first full (training starts this weekend… ACK!).

Why I stopped saying I’m “busy.”

- Mel

Don’t let the title of this post fool you — I suffer from bouts of social anxiety and can flake on you in a heartbeat if I feel overwhelmed from over-socializing (no offense). But for purposes of this post, I’m talking about this modern-day epidemic of being “busy.”

My life the last three (or so) years was NUTS. I was busy. Oftentimes, busier than busy. I wore BUSY on my sleeve as a medal of honor. There were practices three-four nights a week and many weekends of games (and often, travel), and then I added a full-time school schedule to the mix, and THEN I went from part-time to full-time at my job. A day-in-the-life of another “busy” 30-something — and I didn’t even have kids!

And then I realized that stress culminated into burnout. And then apathy. My relationship was suffering. My friendships were practically non-existent. I wasn’t sleeping enough (or nearly anything close to the recommended daily). I didn’t read for a hobby anymore. I didn’t have energy for happy hours or networking functions — or even visiting my family because I worked most holidays voluntarily for the double-pay. Most days I couldn’t find the time to shower (seriously… no TIME to shower). Frankly, I was miserable. Busy, but lonely. Anxious, disappointed, moody, frustrated all the time. There just wasn’t enough time to do it all, even though I was doing it all! I internalized being busy into being a terrible friend, girlfriend, teammate, fill-in-the-blank.

Why would anyone actively create a life like this?

For the last few months, I have purposefully replaced the word “busy” with “balanced,” and I am wholly proud of the strides I have made to feel OK with not being one of those running chickens without a head. I want to be more present, more relaxed, more focused on doing things I love, surround myself with people who make me feel loved and as though I belong, and… well, feel happier about life in general. And naturally, less stressed out. Buh-bye road rage, hello walking to work and listening to a podcast that is enjoyable and relaxing. I’m going to stay at this corner until the crosswalk changes to the “walk” symbol. I am not in a rush for filling what’s left of my time, but content with that I’m spending my time the best way I can. NOT BUSY.

MORE READING:
Being busy is a sickness. (This author also agrees with me.)
What’s also interesting, perhaps a little ironic, is that when I first skimmed this article, I read a quote within it as: “Sounds like a dull day. Have fun!”

“You are powerful enough to decide what you will and won’t do with your time.” How to multiply your time {via PsychCentral}

“The current understanding of work-life balance is too simplistic. People find it hard to balance work with family, family with self, because it might not be a question of balance. Some other dynamic is in play, something to do with a very human attempt at happiness that does not quantify different parts of life and then set them against one another. We are collectively exhausted because of our inability to hold competing parts of ourselves together in a more integrated way.” from The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self, and Relationship by David Whyte.